I remember the first time my son tasted a dill pickle. He was two years old and his whole body responded. He shook and shivered from head to toe. Then stuck out his tongue spit the remaining pickle onto the table. Yuck.
Sometimes feedback tastes sour like that. Your whole body responds.
(I’m not talking about the kind of yummy feedback I got the other day when a client emailed to say that my new CD was “rich in content and stimulating in approach”.)
That kind of feedback is easy to swallow. And enjoyable to re-read ;)
I’m talking about the pickle kind of feedback.
The sour and unwelcome observations that make your stomach hurt, your face turn red, and your shoulders fill with tension.
I’m talking about criticism.
Criticism is feedback that feels like an attack on your character. It’s like a body blow to your sense of self.
What can you do in the face of this kind of feedback?
The first thing to do is focus is on your body.
Why?
Because criticism will send your body will go into fight or flight response:
Narrow vision.
Tight breathing.
Accelerated heart beat.
Muscle tension.
Don’t even try to process what you’re hearing.
Forget about saying anything. Stick with your body. Because your body needs kind and skillful attention right now.
Take care of your breath.
Breathe . . . Loosen your breath.
Take several measured . . . and . . . mindful breaths.
Let your belly be relaxed and breathe into it:
Inhale – belly expands.
Exhale – it naturally releases.
Soften your eyes and gaze off into “the middle distance”.
Don’t look at anything in particular. Certainly not the critic in front of you. Soften your eyes – it will relax your mind.
If you have a glass of water nearby, take a couple of sips.
Feel the temperature of the water on your lips and pay attention to the sensation of the water as it glides down your throat and into your belly.
In short, set the criticism aside and take care of your body.
Because, until your body is back in balance, you wont’ be able to respond skillfully.
All of this bodily re-balancing can be done in a matter of 10 – 20 seconds.Really.
Just as a few choice words can instantly trigger a fight or flight response. A few measured and mindful breaths can produce an almost instantaneous calming effect.
The challenge is that when your heart is racing – 1 second can seem like an eternity.
It can feel like you don’t have the time to take a few breaths. You do. Give yourself that luxury. It will serve you well when you do return your attention to the criticism itself.
Because, having shifted your physiology from flight or fight into a state of equilibrium you will be able to reflect on the criticism and address your critic in a balanced manner.
So, what should you do when someone tries to get you to swallow a sour pickle of criticism?
Shift your attention away from them and what they’ve said.
Attend to your body:
1. Notice where your body is tensing up and relax it.
2. Breathe.
3. Soften your gaze.
Take 10 – 20 seconds to soothe your body.
Once your body is back in balance – you’ll be able to assess how best to respond. And whether or not to stick out your tongue.
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2 responses so far ↓
1 Richard Lockyer // Dec 11, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Hi Eric, i enjoyed this article as feedback is vital to our progress and can be hard to handle at first and although you always promise yourself that you will respond graciously when it comes it catches you on the hop!
Over the years i have conditioned myself to automatically say something like, ‘ thank you for pointing that out i will definitely do some work on that and improve it’ but it’s not easy i know!
2 Eric // Dec 12, 2008 at 12:16 am
Thank you, Richard
I love your practice of self-conditioning – so that your default mode in the face of feedback is openness & learning rather than defense.
Eric
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