Get out of the “Yes, but . . . “ Rut

Have you ever fallen into the “yes, but . . .” rut?
(I have many, many times).

It starts like this: your colleague or friend says, “I’ve got this problem. I’d like your advice.”
You nod and they explain the situation.
You ask a few more questions – and then give them your best advice.
As you do, you notice something.

They’re eyes glaze over. They’re shaking of their head.
“Yes,” they say, “But . . .”
And they explain carefully why your suggestion won’t work.
You try again.
“Yes,” they respond, “But . . .”

It’s frustrating.
They asked. But no matter what advice you offer – they respond with “yes, but . . .”

They don’t really want your advice.
I know they asked.
But, notice what happens when you give the advice. They resist it. They deny it. They push back.
The more you try to explain, the more they “yes, but . . .”
It may be hard to face – but clearly they don’t want your advice.
Even though you love giving it.

You want to be helpful.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this impulse.
Just notice where it takes you. Because when it takes you into a “yes, but . . .” rut – something simply isn’t working.
It turns the conversation into a vicious cycle of:
Your advice.
Their “yes, but . . .”
Your advice.
Their “yes, but . . .”

You both end up mired in emotional mud. Frustrated. With no real change.

How do you get out of the “yes, but . . .” rut?
First of all realize you’re in the rut. And that all you’re responsible for is getting yourself out. Not them. You. Get yourself out!!

There are three mind-set shifts that break you out of the “yes, but . . .” rut.

Mindset shift #1: Realize they don’t want your help
Yes, they asked. I get that. But, it doesn’t matter.
Asking for help or advice is just a way to start the conversation. It’s not a real request. It’s a red herring. A dead end. They’re not really interested in your advice. And they don’t want you to act like you know everything.

Mindset shift #2: Realize you don’t know.
You don’t know what they should do. You may have ideas. You may even think your ideas are wonderful. But, that’s just a form of self-hypnosis. A way of finding yourself and your ideas wonderfully fascinating. (The more enamored you are of your advice – the deeper into the rut you go).
Fundamentally you really don’t know what they need to do.
This shift can be difficult to swallow. Particularly if you’ve made a career (or life) out of being helpful and giving advice. And that very difficulty is why it is such a powerful move.

Mindset shift #3: See them as fully capable.
Instead of relating to them as needy – see them as strong, capable, fully equipped to handle the situation and take action. Look past their furrowed brow and pleading eyes. Cut through their story of being victimized or lost. Look past those superficial façades and see them as fully capable of turning the situation around.

After shifting your mindset – ask questions instead of giving advice
Don’t ask questions that are designed to give you more information about the problem. Don’t dig into analyzing the situation. Those kinds of questions will lead you (by the nose) back into giving advice. Back into the “yes, but . . .” rut.

Ask about goals.
Ask them:
“What is it you want to accomplish?”
“What is the result you want to make happen?”
These kinds of questions put attention on their goal (not their complaint).
These questions presuppose that they’re creative and able to make something positive happen.

Get really interested and curious about the outcome they want to achieve.

Explore it. Learn more about it. Get details about what they really want to achieve or make happen.

Notice if they actually answer these goal-focused questions or if they revert to a litany of complaints.
Not everyone will answer these questions the first time.
They may be so familiar with the “yes, but . . .” rut that they will ignore those questions and launch back into their complaint. They may try to lure you back into the “yes, but . . .” rut.
Be alert. Don’t take the bait.
Although it’s likely that you may.

After all, giving advice is quite seductive.
So, be on the lookout for those two little words “yes, but . . .”
Those two words are your reminders. When you hear them – stop.
Recognize that you’re on the edge of the “yes, but . . .” rut again.
Take a step back. Readjust your mindset by realizing:
1.    They don’t want your advice.
2.    You don’t really know.
3.    And they are fully capable.
And then, with a sense of real curiosity ask, “What is the result you want to make happen?”

Questions for reflection & action:

1.    Who frequently lures you into the “yes, but . . .” rut?
2.    Which of the three mindset shifts is hardest for you to make?
•    They don’t want your advice.
•    You don’t really know.
•    And they are fully capable.
3.    What will help you make the shift?