I was heading for a showdown.

I’d just completed my speaking engagement and was trying (without much success) to find the elevator that would take me to my room. I was lugging a box of books and my arms ached. And the tension was creeping up my neck – announcing the beginning of a headache.
Finally, I turned down a familiar hallway.

Twenty feet ahead, I saw a man approaching me from the opposite direction.
I plowed on assuming that he would step aside and let me pass. But, the closer I got the more it seemed that he was intent on making me move. We were locked into a weird game of chicken.

“I’m not giving into him,” I thought as I walked angrily into the mirrored wall at the end of the hallway – crashing smack-dab into my own reflection. The threatening man was none other than myself. I stared into my own angry eyes – now blinking with shocked embarrassment.

Even if you never walk into walls – you will confront people who oppose you
It’s part of the leading change – to face opposition and deal with conflict.
It goes like this:
You want to move the team or project in a specific direction. So, you’re like me – barreling down the hallway. You know where you want to go. It makes sense to you. It seems obvious and right.

But, not everyone sees it your way.

They are coming from the opposite direction. You see them heading towards you and it’s frustrating, maddening, that they won’t cooperate.

Soon you’re heading for a showdown
What started out as a meeting or a conversation turns into a conflict – and then into a game of chicken. It’s no longer about seeking understanding or collaboration. Once the game of chicken is underway – the conflict is personal.

When the conflict becomes personal – your focus shifts
Because when the conflict becomes personal – the primitive centers in your brain fire-up. The focus is no longer organizational change or project management. Your over-amped brain offers you two options – fight or flight.

The problem with this focus – is that it is totally one-sided
From the perspective of the primitive brain there is only one problem – and it is “out there”. It’s “them”. This leaves you just a few options:

•    Overpower them
•    Placate them
•    Avoid them

Once the chicken-game starts, these appear to be your only alternatives. But, picking any of these options just perpetuates the power-struggle and deepens the communication breakdown.

Yet, this happens every single day in meeting rooms around the world.

How can you turn this game of chicken around?
It comes back to a basic psychological principle – projection. The concept of projection suggests that the qualities in other people that really bug you – are the qualities within yourself that you don’t want to acknowledge or own.

This is strong medicine.

Seeing the truth of your own projections is as shocking as walking headlong into a mirrored wall.

It means focusing less on what’s wrong with them – and more on your own reactive tendencies.
You use the conflict as a mirror and ask, “Am I more prone to overpower, placate, or avoid the opposition?”

Personally, I find myself using all three strategies. But, mostly I avoid or overpower. Depending on whether I think I can “win”. Not elegant – but true. What about you?

What do you see when you look into the mirror of a conflict situation or a chicken game?

The deeper you look into the mirror of conflict – the more you see your own reactive tendencies staring back
Conflict situations that have degenerated into chicken games hold up the mirror.

And it can be uncomfortable to look. But, this looking is one of the most powerful acts of leadership that you can perform.

Because as you look, it becomes clear that substantive change in the world around you hinges on whether or not you are willing to do most of the changing.

You see that when you:

•    Use your authority to overpower others
•    Say “yes” when you mean “no”
•    Fly under the radar – and keep quiet

That you’re contributing to the very culture of chicken games that poisons the workplace.

Looking in the mirror reveals that – there’s no place to hide.
And that the primary leadership choice you make is whether you’ll perpetuate the chicken game or embody in your own behavior – the culture that you want around you.

So, the next time it seems like some one is challenging you to a game of chicken. Pause. Take a deep breath. And don’t crash into the mirror.

Look deeply and model the kind of leadership you want around you.

Related Posts:

• How “tasting dirt” resolves conflict & improves communication
• 3 steps to solving long-standing problems
• Are You Balanced & Fair?
• How to End Your Organization’s “Chicken” Games
• Do You Want People to be More Accountable?