I was riding shotgun (i.e. sitting in the passenger seat) and Aaron, my 20-year-old son, was driving. He had picked me up at the airport and, within minutes, we were weaving in and out of the afternoon traffic.

Up ahead of us the traffic light turned from green to yellow.
Aaron gunned the engine. And I let out a yelp of anxiety.

To me a yellow light means – slow down and get ready to stop.
To Aaron, a yellow light means – speed up and make it through the intersection before he has to stop.
We both recognize yellow lights as a warning. But, this warning triggers very different behaviors for each of us.

Yellow lights aren’t only encountered while driving around town. “Yellow lights” are part of every conversation you have at work and at home.

Every meeting, every dialogue, every conversation that you have is filled with yellow lights – conversational yellow lights.
These conversational yellow lights are warnings, signals that let you know that the person you’re talking to is (one or more of the following):

•    Not following your reasoning
•    Not accepting your assumptions
•    Not understanding your point of view
•    Not connecting with your message

So, how do you know you’re approaching a conversational yellow light?
You know will know that you’re approaching a conversational yellow light whenever the person you’re talking to:

•    Disagrees your opinion
•    Expresses doubt or concern
•    Asks a challenging question
•    Voices an idea that you don’t agree with

In short, they’re out of synch with what you’re saying. And you’re not influencing them in the direction you’re intending. They’re flashing a conversational yellow light. And, how you interpret their yellow light – will determine how you respond.

Many people interpret a conversational yellow light as a signal to speed up.
They see the yellow light as a threat to their agenda. And, they don’t want to stop moving their agenda forward. They don’t want to lose momentum.
They believe that slowing down the conversation will cause them to lose ground. So, when a conversational yellow light flashes they:

•    Talk more
•    Explain in greater detail
•    Argue harder
•    Provide more evidence
•    Quote additional studies
•    Cite other experts
•    Show more charts and graphs

Why? Because they’re afraid of the yellow light. They recognize that the yellow light means they’re out of synch with the other person. But, they think they need to try harder, talk more, and blow past the yellow light.

But, whenever you blow past a conversational yellow light, you miss the opportunity to make a stronger connection with the other person, understand them better, and increase your influence.

When you hit a conversational yellow light – slow down.
Every conversational yellow light is a gift, whether it’s a doubt, concern, objection, or question that the other person is expressing, it’s a gift. By flashing a conversational yellow light, the other person’s way of letting you know exactly where they’re stuck, uncertain, and how you’ve lost them.

Their questions and disagreements are letting you know precisely what matters most to them.

Their non-verbal signals of confusion, discomfort, disagreement, or disinterest, are highlighting exactly what you need to understand more completely – if you want to influence them.

When people flash their yellow lights, they’re telling you to slow down and shift from being convincing to being curious.

Because when you’re curious, you naturally slow down to learn, investigate, and pay attention.

The best way to slow down is to ask questions.
Ask real questions – one’s that you don’t know the answer to. Show your interest, respect, and care for the other person by asking questions. And take your time. Take more time than feels “natural.”

Because, more you slow down and ask questions the more clearly, precisely, and deeply you’ll be able to address their doubts, concerns, and confusion.

The next time you’re trying to influence somebody, at work or at home, and they flash a yellow light – slow down.

Don’t accelerate your mouth. Slow it down.
Stop pitching your point of view and listen. Shift your attention from making your point to exploring and understanding their doubts, concerns, and objections.
Ask questions and listen. Slow it down.

This slowing down process is a real challenge when you’re the boss.
Because most people will let you run right through their yellow lights. Even if they have doubts or concerns – if they sense that you’re not interested, they will tend to swallow their issues.

The people who report to you don’t have the authority to make you slow down and listen.
So, they won’t push the issue. They won’t jump up and down. Their yellow lights will tend to be subtle. And that makes it easy to ignore the signals.

So, if you’re the boss, you need to over-respond to yellow lights. By slowing down more than “feels natural” to you.

As renowned UCLA basketball coach John Wooden put it, “Listen to those under your supervision. Really listen. Don’t act is if you’re listening and let it go in one ear and out the other. Faking it is worse than not doing it all.”

Next, time you’re driving your agenda forward – pay attention to those yellow lights.
And when you see one, put your foot on the brake (not in your mouth) and slow the conversation down.
As you slow down and listen, you increase your influence, deepen your connection with the other person, and make it easier to move the conversation forward with greater alignment.
“Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
– Eddie Cantor

Questions for Reflection & Action

1) How do you typically respond when someone you’re trying to influence:

• Disagrees your opinion
• Expresses doubt or concern
• Asks a challenging question
• Voices an idea that you don’t agree with

2) How does your response change if the person is your direct report, you peer, or your boss?

3) What is an upcoming conversation where you expect to hit a yellow light?

• How do you want to respond?

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