I’ve heard it three times in the past two weeks.
When talking about giving feedback to their colleagues, people tell me they hold back because, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

I can’t deny that receiving feedback often hurts.
If you’ve been cruising along assuming that what you’re doing is working, it comes as shock to get feedback to the contrary.

The shock of feedback triggers emotions.
Emotions such as embarrassment, fear, sadness, anger, and disappointment.
A lot of thoughts are stirred up as these emotions flood the brain.
Thoughts such as:
“Who do they think they are to tell me how to do my job?”
“Am I really that bad?”
“Am I going to be fired?”
“This is horrible.”

Everyone has these kinds of emotions and thoughts when feedback interrupts the happy dream that “I’m doing great”.

We all want to be great.
And learning that we’re not isn’t fun. But, living in a dream of competence – while acting in ways that fall short – isn’t true greatness. Protecting people from experiencing the emotional shock of feedback doesn’t serve their need for greatness.

By providing feedback, you do trigger emotions in others. Those emotions release energy. And that energy can be channeled into improvement, learning, and behavior change. Emotions are raw energy that when focused convert embarrassment into motivation and disappointment into curiosity.

It takes emotional energy to move forward, to develop, to grow, and improve. The path to true greatness runs through emotional terrain. There are dark woods, burning sands, as well as sparkling waters and majestic mountains. All kinds of emotions – both challenging and exalting – are part of the journey. There’s no way around these emotional experiences.

The only way to avoid emotions is to go to sleep on the path and stagnate.
To dream that you’re doing well when you’re not. To stop learning, growing, and developing.

And, when you withhold feedback in order “not to hurt their feelings” you’re encouraging stagnation.
You’re encouraging the illusion of competence and protecting people from the very emotions that can propel them forward.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

• What feedback conversation are you avoiding?
• What are the emotions you don’t want to face?
• What are the costs of not having this conversation –to you, to them, to others?

Related Posts:

• Why conflicts persist (and how to end them)
• Why it’s better to not know (than know)
• Why you have to tame your lizard brain
• Leadership lessons from the NYC subway
• Seven Steps to Overcome “Feedback Allergies”