This is a continuation of the last blog post (What Hurts More: Feedback & Feelings part 1)

When you say you’re withholding feedback because you don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, it’s worth reflecting:

Is it really them you’re trying to protect? Or is it you?

Many of us don’t know how to skillfully handle other people’s emotions.

Their emotions trigger our own emotional reactions. When other people are upset, we get upset. And don’t know what to do or at least how to act skilfully when we’re tossed about by our emotional reaction. So, rather than learn how to deal with our own discomfort, we avoid those emotionally triggering conversations. We protect ourselves from the natural confusion that accompanies our own learning and development.

There are risks involved in any difficult conversation.

Because, having the conversation may cause an emotional chain reaction, from them to you – and perhaps beyond. You don’t want that. But, along with the risks, there are costs to not having the conversation.

Costs to you, to the other person, and to the organization. Because, even while you haven’t had the direct conversation, you’re still carrying one on in your head.

You’re thinking about the situation.

You’re talking to yourself about it. You know that you talk to yourself, don’t you? (Or are you thinking, “I don’t talk to myself. What is he trying to imply?” . . . Hmmmmmm. . .)

And all that internal thinking-talking is churning up emotions – in you.

It’s affecting how you interact with that person. Because, no matter how much of a poker face you may want to have – people know what’s going on. If you’re unhappy with someone – they know it. They may pretend they don’t. But, they do. There really aren’t many secrets in organizational life.

So, while you haven’t had the direct conversation, the relationship is already suffering anyway.

And, the other person is doing the same thing you’re doing – thinking and stewing. But, they’re thinking about you. About how you’re acting.

They’re talking in their head (and maybe to others) about how unreasonable you’re being etc. etc. And while they’re stewing away, their performance isn’t improving. Poor performance costs the organization. And impacts the team. So, the costs of not having this conversation are widespread.

It’s this tension between risks and costs that make a conversation challenging.

Having challenging conversations always involve some risk. And not having them involves some costs.

Looking honestly at the risks and costs can clarify whether avoiding the conversation really serves you, the other person, and the organization. To have a challenging conversation takes courage and skill. Courage comes first. Skills are developed over time. Courage starts by honestly examining whether the real reason you’re not having the conversation is because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Usually it’s not.

This recognition won’t typically give you all the courage you need to move ahead. But, it will make clear to you that, even while it feels risky, you’re willing to move ahead. Willingness is the key to getting started.

Courage comes from facing the fear that’s inside your mind and heart.

Facing fear doesn’t mean fixing fear. It’s not about doing anything to the fear. It’s just about facing it. “Facing” means -  being aware of it and acknowledging it. (If fear is too strong a word for you, substitute one that works better – like anxiety or concern.) Waiting for fear to go away doesn’t generate courage. It prolongs the situation and the suffering.

Here’s how the dictionary defines courage:

The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution.

Nice!

Courage is a state or quality of mind or spirit (probably both). This state of courage is already within you. You don’t have to develop it. You just need to connect with it. Here’s one way:

Find a quiet place where you can have five uninterrupted minutes.
Sit down.
Shrug your shoulders and rotate your neck to release tensions.
Then sit still and close your eyes.
Become aware of your breathing. Enjoy taking comfortable, slow breaths. Let the breath relax you.
Now, imagine the color of courage. (You may never have thought of this before – it doesn’t matter. Just imagine the color of courage.)
Imagine this color with your eyes closed.
And, as your breath moves in and out – breathe the color of courage into your body with each breath.
Let your natural breath carry the quality of courage into your body.
Do this for about 2 minutes.
When you’re ready ask yourself, “What else do I need in order to have this important conversation?”
Notice the answer.
Open your eyes.

Consider: How will you move forward to have that important conversation?

Let’s recap:

1. The reason we avoid challenging conversations isn’t to protect the other person’s feelings. It’s to protect ourselves.

2. This self-protection turns out to be a form of self-limitation. We don’t develop when we avoid the challenge.

3. Challenging conversations involve risks and costs.

4. We need courage and skills to have the conversation.

5. Courage comes first. (Skills are developed over time.)

6. Connect to the state of courage that is already inside you.

7. Then move forward.

Related Posts:

• Seven Steps to Overcome “Feedback Allergies”
• What to do when you’re at a leadership crossroads
• How to see your leadership Blind Spots?
• Why conflicts persist (and how to end them)
• Why it’s better to not know (than know)