My mother-in-law is visiting. (This is not a set-up for a mother-in-law joke).
She’s a Cornell graduate. She worked in the family business – a lumber & hardware store. She’s a party girl (favorite song: Mack the Knife).
Someone who is fun to talk to.

And until her husband (father-in-law) started tuning into Fox News – she was a lot of fun to talk with. Then Fox News started taking over her brain. It was blaring day and night. Droning on and on – sweeping into her mind. Shaping her worldview.

Now she’s less fun to talk to.
At least for me.
When she gets on a roll – I start hallucinating that Bill O’Reilly is in the house.  It makes it hard for me to listen. And when my listening shuts down – my capacity to learn goes out the window.

Why would I want to listen to someone I disagree with so vehemently?
Because I want to keep learning and growing.
I want to expand my vision of what’s possible and deepen my understanding of how the world works.
Not that there’s a lot I expect to glean from recycled O’Reilly sound bites.
Rather, I want the capacity to stay open, curious, and attentive when confronted with ideas, points of view, and values that differ from my own.
I want to keep an open mind.
Not to necessarily believe what I’m hearing.
But, at least to be able to hear what they’re saying.

The best way to develop listening & learning muscles is by having conversations with people who don’t think like me.
It’s not easy.
In fact, it’s uncomfortable.
It’s easier to put up defenses. Erect the cognitive barricades. Argue. Make snide remarks.
All these strategies protect me from the uncomfortable discipline of loosening my grip on the reassuring sense of “I’m right”. Which doesn’t mean that I’m wrong.
The attitude that works best is epitomized in Ken Wilber’s insight that “everyone is partially right”.

No one is completely wrong. Everyone is partially right.
Imagine what it would mean if the people in your next project meeting (not to mention family gathering) were to adopt this attitude.
Rather than battering each other with “certainty clubs”  – people would be able to shift their focus from argumentation to exploration.

Try it out yourself – right now.

Think about someone you are habitually disagree with.
Now, take a mental step backwards and imagine yourself and the other person sitting next to each other. You can picture yourself – over there. You can picture the other person – sitting next to you.
It’s like you’re in the balcony of a theater looking down on those two people over there.
From this observing perspective inwardly say, “You’re partially right.”
Inwardly say to the other person (over there), “You’re partially right.”
Inwardly say to yourself (over there), “You’re partially right.”
Notice what that’s like.
How is it different telling yourself or the other person, “You’re partially right”?

Now, take the next step.

Identify what’s partially right in their point of view and your own.
Acknowledge the partial rightness in your opinion. And theirs.

Be specific. Focus in a real, concrete, aspect of their perspective that is partially right. Do the same for yourself. Appreciate the partial validity inherent in the opposing points of view.

Don’t try to resolve anything.
That’s not the point of this exercise. Resolution comes later.
First develop your capacity to listen and learn. To appreciate the partial rightness in any point of view. And to recognize that your own understanding is also only partially right.

The more you appreciate the partial rightness inherent in widely divergent views – the more you are able to learn and the more perspectives you can adopt. It’s this capacity to appreciate multiple perspectives that helps you learn from life – and particularly from those forms of life that are most different from you.

Who can you learn from?
Do you protect yourself from people with opposing points of view? Or do you use those uncomfortable conversations as a chance to strengthen your listening and learning muscles. It’s this capacity that sets the stage for constructive dialogue and authentic collaboration.

It’s good for business.
And it makes the mother-in-laws visit a lot more fun.

Inner practice to develop your capacity to listen & learn

1.    Think of someone you habitually disagree with
2.    Take a mental step back into the observer position
3.    Picture you and the other person sitting next to each other.
4.    Mentally acknowledge to each, “You are partially right.”
5.    Identify specifically something partially right about both viewpoints (yours & theirs).
6.    Generate a sense of appreciation for the partial rightness of both viewpoints.

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• Do you have a learning partner?
• Do You Want People to be More Accountable?
• What to do when you’re at a leadership crossroads
• Why conflicts persist (and how to end them)