My grandmother loved to serve chopped liver on crackers.

I couldn’t stand the stuff.

“This is horrible.” I’d tell her.

“It’s delicious,” she’d respond, popping another cracker into her mouth.

One day she told me, “Eric, in every argument there are four truths. My truth. Your truth. Our truth. And THE truth.”

“If you insist on your truth and I insist on my truth, we’ll never find our truth,” she smiled, “But, I don’t think we’ll ever know THE truth. Particularly about chopped liver.”

Where are you arguing over chopped liver?

Where are you locked in an argument about who’s right?

Where you think an idea, project, decision tastes great – and someone else can’t stand it? (Or vice versa).

Where people are hurling numbers and data at each other. Building  coalitions. Making (endless) presentations.

But, in the end it’s still my truth versus your truth.

To move forward, what’s needed is a shared truth.

Shared truth isn’t THE truth. It’s  agreement from which to engage in mutual action. It’s our truth.

But, you’ll never get there as long as you take your truth for THE truth. (And as long as they’re doing the same.)

It’s easy to confuse your strong  opinions with the facts.

The way the world appears to you is so . . . real. It’s hard not to see things your way.

Even slightly loosening your grip on your truth can feel threatening. As though you’re admitting that you’re wrong. Even that the other party is right. And you don’t want to go there.

It’s not that having strong opinions is wrong.

It’s just that holding onto your truth too tightly shuts down your ability to influence others.

Because, when you cling to your truth – they cling to theirs. When you dig in your heels – they do too.

It’s a stand off.

And then the only way to get things moving is through force. (Which poisons the well, undermines trust, and increases defensiveness  the next time you meet together).

Your influence grows as you hold your position more lightly.

You don’t have to let go of it completely. But, you can hold it more lightly. You can consider your truth to be simply one perspective; one angle on the situation.

The first step is gently separating yourself from your truth.

This takes self-awareness. The self-awareness to realize that you don’t have to identify with one perspective – with your truth. And, the self-awareness to notice what thoughts, emotions, and tensions arise as you loosen your grip on your truth.

Think of detaching from your truth as taking off a favorite pair of sunglasses. You’re not tossing them away. You’re not getting rid of them. You’re just setting them down or slipping them into your pocket.

Your truth is still close by.

It’s there when you need to pick it back up. But, now, having loosened your cognitive grip,  you’re not totally identified with it. And, so you can temporarily adopt alternative views.

Take a breath. Pause. And try on other perspectives. Listen to others and learn what the world looks and feels like for them. Experience their version of the truth. Put on their sunglasses.

This isn’t a magic bullet for getting them to agree with you.

It’s simply a way to inject movement and flexibility into a frozen conversation. Because when one person in the conversation opens up – there’s more openness in the room. When one person in the conversation stops insisting that there’s only one truth – there possibility for new truths to emerge increases.

When you loosen your grip on your truth – at least one person in the conversation is actually listening, learning, and exploring alternative.

And, then when it’s time for you to present your point of view again it will be enriched by what you’ve learned through listening.

And most importantly, the emotional tone behind your position will be softened.

You may still believe in your truth. You’ll likely prefer it. You just won’t mistake it for THE truth. And this small but significant shift in attitude, will make your presentation of your truth much more palatable.

Even if you’re serving chopped liver.

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