How reactivity undermines leadership: And what you can do to change it.

Several years ago, my son’s friend Torrey Meister was visiting from Hawaii. He had this novelty item: Big Mouth Billy, a foot-long bass attached to a faux wooden plaque.

Like something a fisherman might mount on the wall. Except this trout could sing.

There was a button on the plaque.

When you pushed the button, the fish wagged its tail opened its mouth to sing, “Take me to the river . . . ” At first it was funny to watch the mechanical fish and groove along with the song. But, soon it was boring, tiring and irritating. We’re all a bit like that plastic fish.

We’ve all got buttons.

Not red plastic ones. Human buttons are psychological and emotional. And unlike the plastic fish, which had one button, humans have many.

Each button is linked to a pattern of thought, emotion, speech, and action.

When one of your buttons gets pushed, rather than sing, “Take me to the river . . . “, you launch into your own equally repetitive pattern. You’re not alone in this. Everyone you work with has buttons. But, if you’re in a leadership role – a boss role – everyone knows about your buttons.

People pay attention to the boss’s buttons.

They avoid bringing up topics (no matter how important) or sharing information (no matter how relevant) that push those buttons. Because, they know what will happen when a button gets pushed – that you’ll react, mechanically, and predictably. And they’re tired of that song.

So, rather than deal with the reactivity that invariably follows a button pushing, they withhold their ideas, avoid the issues, and suppress their opinions.

If you want to exercise leadership – you can’t afford to ignore your own buttons.

You need to become a better student of your own buttons: what pushes them and what happens when they’re pushed.

The less you know about your buttons, the more frequently they will be pushed.

If you don’t know what your buttons are, and how you react when they’re pushed, rest assured, they are being pushed more often than you can imagine.

And remember, the more frequently your buttons are pushed, the more mechanical, reactive, and predictable you become. And, the less capable you are of having rich, creative, and transforming conversations. Because you can’t have a breakthrough conversation when you’re in mechanical mode.

Whenever one of your buttons gets pushed – a reactive pattern kicks into gear.

Not a random reactive pattern – a specific one. Because reactive patterns aren’t inventive, they’re repetitive, mechanical. When you’re in the grips of a reactive pattern you will think the thoughts, feel the emotions, speak the words, and engage in the behaviors that constitute that reactive pattern.

The reactive pattern is in the drivers seat.

You’re a passenger – passive at best, unaware at worst – while the reactive pattern drives on.

And you’re reactivity triggers reactivity in others.

It’s how we’re neurologically wired. It’s human nature. When an important (powerful) person in your world goes reactive, most people around him/her will also react. It’s like a domino effect. One person’s reactivity precipitates a chorus of reactivity.

Of course, the reverse is also true.

As you unwire your own reactivity buttons and maintain a state of balanced (or semi-balanced) presence, you trigger complementary states of balance in others. So, how do you unwire your buttons?

You unwire your buttons – by becoming a student of your own reactivity.

Remember, it’s not a question of whether or not you’re reactive. It’s a question of how you’re reactive. Everyone is, even when (especially when) they don’t know it.

What’s pushing your buttons these days?

Reactivity buttons can be pushed when you’re:

Losing control
Fighting to win
Fending off attacks
Seeking approval
Defending your position
Delivering bad news
Receiving bad news

(Note: this is not a complete list. It’s meant to spark your awareness.)

What are relationships or situations that fit the above criteria? What other relationships or situations are currently pushing your buttons?

You can’t work on your reactivity buttons while your being reactive.

Because when you’re in the grip of a reactive pattern, you’re not capable of self-reflection. Reactivity can’t turn around and see itself. Reactivity is automatic, unconscious action, like the singing of a plastic fish.

So, you need to make time – when you’re not reactive – to learn more about your red buttons.

Time to bring the situation gently to mind. And notice your reactions.

Here’s how:

Start by gently bringing the triggering situation/relationship/issue to mind. Don’t dive into thinking about the situation. Just glance at it. Touch it lightly – in your mind. Just enough to trigger the mildest reaction. You don’t want to completely press the red button. You just want to nudge it.

Even tickling your red button will stimulate some reactive tension.

If you’re not paying attention this little hint of tension can precipitate a full-fledged reactivity attack. So, be aware. Keep breathing. And notice the mind’s tendency to start thinking about the person/issue/situation. To replay the drama – in all it’s emotional glory.

It’s exactly at this point – when the reactive drama is about to kick in – that you can unwire your button.

You do this by applying a simple meditative technique.

Step 1: Gently bring the triggering situation to mind

Step 2: Notice where the tension starts in your body.

Step 3: Be aware of the mind’s tendency to start replaying the drama: to think about the issue, mentally re-run the events, imagine what you could/would/should do etc.

Step 4: Let go of the drama. Withdraw your attention from the thinking. And focus only on the bodily sensations.

Step 5: Keep breathing and attend to the bodily sensations that are associated with the situation.

Step 6: Whenever your attention wanders into the drama (the thinking, remembering, planning, etc), bring it back to your body. Breathe and enjoy noticing how the sensations change on their own. The idea is not to suppress the sensations – BUT also not to let them carry you away into mental drama.

Step 7: When you feel a shift in the sensations – take three more slow breaths and then sit quietly for a moment. Notice the over-all feeling in your body.

What does this accomplish?

By practicing this meditation – over time – you become an informed student of your own reactive patterns. You are able to intercept the reactivity at the bodily level – because you know exactly what it feels like. And you develop the capacity to not become carried away by your own reactivity. You simply notice, “Ah, there’s that tension, “ and you breathe.

You are able to feel the impulse of reactivity without responding.

You witness the pattern at the bodily level. And let go of the mental drama. The more often you do this in the comfort of your own home or office – at times when you’re not reactive – the more quickly you unwire your buttons.

And then, when difficult situations arise in your life and work, you’re able to meet them with balanced awareness and creativity. Not like a plastic fish.