Our son, Aaron, lives in a studio in our backyard. There’s a lovely kangaroo paw plant by his front door. Or it was lovely. While we were away on vacation, Aaron noticed that the plant was looking poorly. So, he lovingly gave it more water. Day after day he dosed the failing plant with water in an attempt to revive it. But, the poor thing drowned. Death by over-watering.

His intention was admirable. His impact . . . deadly. He was so focused on his intentions that he overlooked the impact he was actually having.

The same thing can happen when you’re communicating with others – at work and in your personal life.

You can go into a conversation with the best of intentions.

But, unless you pay careful attention to the actual impact of your communication – you’ll miss the most important point. Because the reason you’re communicating in the first place is to have a specific impact – to get a specific response.

Your intentions matter. But, your impact rules.

You can be so close to your intentions that you allow them to color your perception of the actual impact you’re having.

Imagine sitting at a dinner party were one of the guests launches into a story – “This was soooo funny . . .” – about his recent golfing vacation. He’s laughing as he speaks, reliving his experience with gusto. But, everyone else is bored. His intention was to entertain. His impact – the opposite.

If you tell a joke and no one laughs – the joke wasn’t funny.

Effective communicators pay attention to both their intentions and their impact. And they make sure that the two are aligned.

You know your impact isn’t matching your intention when you’re:

• Pitching an “exciting” new idea – and everyone at the meeting is checking their Blackberry, iPhone, watch, etc
• Offering a colleague helpful advice – and she starts clenching her jaw and narrowing her eyes.
• Providing constructive feedback to a team member – and he starts arguing with you.

When your impact isn’t matching your intention, it’s time to reflect.

Start by reflecting on your intention. Check your intention for clarity, congruence, and contribution.

Clarity

Why are you communicating to this person at this time? What is your motivation? To persuade, convince, support, educate, humor, placate, control, correct? There are so many possibilities. If you’re intentions aren’t clear to you – it will be difficult to discern whether you’re having the impact you intend. So, make your intention clear.

Congruence

Are you whole-heartedly aligned with your intention? Or are there voices of dissent, discord, and concern echoing inside of you?

For example, one part of you may want to offer support to a struggling colleague. Another part of you may be frustrated, even angry, with them. Unless these differing impulses within you can find common ground, your communication will reflect this internal incongruence. Your message will be confusing. And your impact compromised.

When there are competing or conflicting voices within you – then it will be difficult to speak in a congruent voice externally. If you discover inner incongruence – seek a deeper intention. One that allows the conflicting aspects within you to find a shared purpose, a common ground.

Contribution

Does your intention contribute to the well being of you, the other person, and the larger system? Or will your intention promote your own interests over those of the other (or vice versa?)

Be aware. In every relationship and organization there are power dynamics and power imbalances. Within the complex web of power issues and personalities, it can still be your intention to contribute positively.

Having made your intention as clear, congruent, and contributory as possible – you have established a foundation from which to communicate.

Now, it’s time to pay attention to your impact.

Notice whether your communication is creating the impact, response, result that you want. Are people engaged, attentive, and listening? Or shutting down? Are they focused or distracted?

If there’s a mis-match between your intention and your impact – it’s time to pause.

Not to change your intention. But, to change your approach, your tactics, your methods. Often the most powerful move to make, when you notice a disconnect between your intention and your impact, is to ask questions. Rather than doing more of what you’ve been doing  – talking, explaining, coaching, persuading, influencing etc. Ask questions and start listening.

You’ve noticed the impact you’re having (and it’s not what you want). So, focus on learning more about what they’re thinking, feeling, and concerned about. Listen to their needs. Focus on what matters to them. This will help you create alignment between your intentions and theirs. Which will increase your ability to positively impact them.

Otherwise, you’ll over water the plant and kill the communication.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The concept of terroir suggests that the wine, the vegetables, even the meat grown in a specific region will have the taste of that region’s soil.

The discerning palate can distinguish the unique flavors, can taste the dirt, the good earth, from which that wine or wheat has sprung.

Even when the vegetable has been cooked and seasoned – the taste of the soil is present. Even when the wheat has been crushed and baked – the discerning palate can taste the good earth in which it grew.

The same principle applies to human communication.

Consider this: Behind every action and communication is a positive intent. Quite a concept! When I first heard this idea, I was stunned. But, I have discovered how useful an idea this is in my work with thousands of leaders and managers.

Just as an untrained palate cannot taste the good earth in a piece of bread, the untrained mind cannot discern the positive intention behind every action or communication. It’s particularly challenging when the person you’re interacting with is emotional, antagonistic, and challenging.

Their emotionality tends to trigger your emotionality.

Their reactivity tends to aggravate your reactivity. Their strongly held opinions tend to strengthen your own point of view.

It’s a natural, neurological reaction.

Modern neuroscience points out that our brains are highly responsive to others emotions. When important or powerful people around us are in a highly emotional state, it tends to evoke a complementary state in us. In short, their anger ignites your anger.

It takes a trained mind to stay balanced, present, and focused in the presence of reactivity.

A trained mind is a mind of equanimity. This is a mind that is able to receive others emotionality without being overwhelmed. Such a mind can move deeper than the surface presentation (no matter how dramatic) and “taste the good earth”, discern the positive intentions that lie at the heart of the other person’s soul. And in so doing begin to evoke that state of goodness from the other person.

The trained mind is a strong mind.

It is strongly rooted in its own good earth. Strongly connected to a place of inner authority and inner peace. It is strong enough to not need to defend and thus rather than amplify the emotionality that is already present, such a mind infuses the situation with mindful presence.

How do you develop such a mind?

By taking time each day to return to the good earth within. You do this by incorporating a regular (daily) practice of meditation into your schedule.

By regularly returning to the good earth – the Ground of Being – within, your mind naturally begins to rest more and more in inner stability.

Thus, when conditions around you become unstable, rather than react, you can meet these conditions openly and without defense. This allows you to taste the good earth, the positive intentions in others. Then every moment becomes a sacred meal – a way to receive and share nourishment as you create what matters most in your life. Bon Appetit!!

When words travel from culture to culture, they take on different meanings.

So it is with the word “mantra”. In our culture, a mantra is any word or phrase that is repeated over and over. It’s the repetition that converts a casual word into a mantra.

Do you remember Jeff Goldblum’s cameo in Annie Hall? He played a deeply tanned and neurotic Southern Californian making a panicked phone call because he had forgotten his mantra:

Woody Allen, a fellow New Yorker, was making fun of the superficial California embrace of Eastern Spirituality. There was a period in the early seventies when everyone had to have a mantra. In fact, we all have mantras.

What is a mantra?

It is a phrase or word that is used to shape thought. A mantra is literally a tool for shaping the mind. In the yoga tradition mantras are used to re-shape the mind from it’s conventional state of anxiety and disarray into a more balanced, coherent, and creative form.

The yogis observed – and you can too – that left unattended, the mind was an unstable, scattered, and easily distracted. By repeating a mantra, the mind can be brought into a state of focus and harmony. Rather than simply let the mind flit from one stimuli to another, the yogi intentionally shaped the mind using the mantra.

You learned your first mantras from your parents.

And it probably wasn’t “Om”. More likely it was a mantra such as, “Eat everything on your plate’ or “If you don’t have anything nice to say . . . (you can finish this one).”

Your early conditioning came through repetition. In other words, through mantra – simple phrases that were repeated by powerful people. And your evolving brain took those mantras in.

These parental mantras are lodged firmly in the deeper layers of your mind.

You may not be repeating these mantras out loud, unless you have your own children and then you may dismayed to find these old mantras popping out of your mouth. But, understand that these early-life mantras are being repeated unconsciously in the deeper levels of your mind.

You also pick up mantras (thought forming phrases) from your colleagues.

If you’re surrounded by people who chant victim mantras such as:

• “Why are they doing this to me?”
• “There’s no point in saying anything, they won’t listen to us”
• “It’s not my fault”

The tendency is for your mind to absorb and adopt the shape of the mantras that it is surrounded by.

Your thought, experience, perceptions, and actions are being shaped by the mantras of the past.

And will continue to be so, unless you start “chanting” a new mantra. Unless you intentionally re-pattern the shape of your thought, perception, and experience into a form that is more reflective of your current wisdom.

My friend Jennifer Louden has recently adopted the mantra “Find the Good.” This simple phrase re-orients the mind towards discovering in every situation the blessing, the wisdom, the goodness that is there.

• What are the mantras from your past that no longer serve you – in work and life?
• What are the nourishing mantras that people around you are “chanting”?
• What are the constrictive mantras that people around you are “chanting”?
• What is a mantra that would serve you best, at this time in your life?
• What is a simple phrase, word, or statement that would re-pattern your perception, thought, and experience into a form that is supportive, creative, and meaningful?

Let me know the mantra you’ve chosen.

When we first moved to San Diego, we lived in a neighborhood called Ocean Beach. It’s close to the ocean and the airport. I loved being close to the beach. But, the regular roar and rumble of jets overhead tortured me. For about a month. Then, I habituated. More than getting used to the noise – I stopped noticing. The noise didn’t register in my awareness. Through habituation, the roar had receded into the background.

It’s natural to habituate.

Habituation serves a function. It’s necessary in this noisy world to shut out the racket. Your nervous system can’t absorb it all. There’s just too much input. So, you dial down your awareness. You habituate and allow much of the din and drone of life to recede into the background.

This allows you to function.

You’re not overwhelmed. But, you’re also not fully present; not in touch with what is happening around you.

Habituation protects you. And it blinds you.

Because, whatever you’ve habituated to hasn’t really gone away. It’s just moved into your psychological blind spot. It’s like those jets. They’re still roaring by. Filling the air with noise pollution. The din is still pounding away at the nervous system.

When you habituate to a situation, you stop noticing the effects.

It’s still affecting you. It’s still there. You’re just not paying attention. And therefore, don’t take action to change the situation.

It’s much easier to focus on new problems.

Your brain loves new problems. Your brain loves the stimulation of a new problem. The freshness. The vividness. The immediacy. New problems are like shiny new presents for your brain.

A new problem kicks your attention into high gear and focuses your brain on taking action.

It feels good to tackle new problems. And it can be important. But, it can also be a decoy that further distances your from dealing with the long term issues that have faded into the background.

Chronic issues fade into the background.

The longer a problem has persisted the more likely it is that your brain will habituate to it. It’s the lingering problems that we ignore not the fresh fight.

They’re not emergencies. You barely notice them after a while. Not because they’re not important to address. But, because you’re habituated to them.

Until you bring these issues into your awareness – they’ll continue to plague you.

The effects of these back-burner issues don’t disappear just because your brain has habituated to them. They still cause trouble. Undermine performance. And hold you back from fulfilling your mission.

How can you become aware of what you’ve stopped noticing?

It’s tricky.

Let’s face it – habituation has its benefits. Turning off your awareness does protect you.

So, before you make any changes, appreciate what the habituation has done for you. And with the very next breath, recognize that habituation can’t move you forward. Habituation never completed anything.

Here are the Three Steps:

Step 1) Go on a rant.

This is a very specific type of rant with a very defined goal.

The goal of this rant is to bring into awareness those concerns, issues, conflicts, etc. that you have ignored, given up hope about, and wish that someone would do something about.

To perform this rant successfully you cannot be polite. You can’t be indirect. You need to unload. Put your politically correct persona aside and give your rant free rein.

Here are some unfinished sentences to get you started:

• I can’t stand it when . . .
• I am so tired of people who . . .
• Why can’t we . . .
• I wish someone would do something about . . .
• What drives me crazy around here is . . .

Step 2) Discover what you really care most about (that’s hidden in the rant)

The rant is your raw material. The rant has released a torrent of emotional energy (if you’ve done it honestly). This is a delicate moment. The intensity of your emotions over the issue could easily be directed into blaming others (or yourself).

That’s why this second step is so essential. This is where you turn the emotional energy from simply fueling a rant towards taking positive action.

Here’s how. By recognizing that you wouldn’t rant about something that you didn’t really care about. So, turn your attention towards that caring. Focus on why this issue matters so much to you. Become aware of what it is that you really want, what you care most about – that led to the rant in the first place.

Complete these sentences:

• What matters most to me in this situation is . . .
• What I really want for us is . . .
• What I am deeply committed to is . . .

Step 3) Determine a small, immediate action

Now, that you know what you care most about – take action. But, not massive action. Something small that starts the ball rolling. Something you can do that:

• Reflects what you care most about
• Will engage others’ commitment
• Is relatively easy to start

Don’t expect the situation to be resolved with a single action. That’s not realistic. This three-step process is not designed to finish the job. Rather, these three steps are focused on breaking you out of your habituation – so that you can start to address those lingering issues that have faded, like the jet planes of Ocean Beach, into the background of your awareness.

Imagine that you’ve been at a dinner party, laughing, talking, and feeling good. Then, you go into the restroom, look in the mirror and see green. A piece of salad stuck in your teeth. Just hanging there for all to see.

You know everybody you talked to saw it. But, nobody said anything.

You can’t see the green stuff that’s stuck in your teeth.

Until you look in a mirror. Or until somebody tells you.

Here’s the thing to know: you do have some kind of green stuff stuck in your teeth, and you can’t see it.

It’s your blind spot.

If you think you know what it is – you’re wrong. The things you know about yourself, your behavior, your impact on others, aren’t blind spots. They’re on your radar. You’re aware of them. Even if you’re not able to change them easily – you know they’re there.

But, blind spots are different.

You can only learn about your blind spot from others.

Their feedback is your mirror. Whether you get feedback in the form of some kind of leadership 360 or in a conversation – it’s a magic mirror that reveals the assessment you are creating in them.

Most leaders assume that feedback is the assessment others are making of them.

But, this is backwards thinking. When other people give you feedback they are showing you the assessment you are creating in them.

You’ll never know unless they tell you.

And they’ll never tell you if you haven’t demonstrated that you welcome, embrace, and cherish feedback. Even feedback that’s hard to hear and that contradicts your self-image. Most people are hesitant to point out your blind spot. They’ll tend to work around your blind spot, compensate for it, and avoid mentioning it unless you ask.

You need to ask more than once.

And then, when you get feedback – take it in. Treat it seriously. Make a public commitment to change. Initiate changes. And check back in – regularly. Make revealing your blind spots a regular part of your leadership agenda.

Unless you understand the assessment you’re creating in others – you’ll spend your career with green stuff stuck in your teeth.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

How do you get feedback from your:

• Customers
• Peers
• Bosses
• Team members
• Family

How satisfied are you with the assessment your creating in your:

• Customers
• Peers
• Bosses
• Team members
• Family

What assessments would you like to change?

Into what?

Recent poll conducted by Pew research and NPR found that people no longer think that the news is just . . . um . . . news. We don’t believe the news reports. We assume that what we’re hearing and reading isn’t simply facts. Rather, we getting heavily seasoned facts. Facts spiced, breaded, and sauced with opinions. And we’re finding it hard to swallow.

Now, news organizations know what they’re doing.

They don’t randomly season the news with left-leaning spices, unless they subscribe to left-leaning opinions. Same on the right. Nobody’s really fair and balanced.

Because they’re not simply doling out facts.

They’re appealing to an audience. They’re cooking up the news to appeal to the taste buds of their patrons. If what they’re presenting doesn’t taste right, you simply turn them off or change the channel.

The news spinners, on the left and on the right, consciously blend facts with opinions to please their readers/listeners palates.

The same thing happens in meetings, everyday.

Someone stands up to make a pitch. He fires up the PowerPoint and begins. In the first few minutes you can sense whether or not you agree with where he’s heading. Because you know he’s heading somewhere. That he’s not simply presenting facts, but building an argument, lobbying for a point of view, and making the case for what he wants.

Nothing wrong with that. After all facts, by themselves, are pretty sterile.

In order for facts to generate action, they need to be interpreted.

Facts need to be evaluated, assessed, interpreted if a decision is to be made. Otherwise it’s just facts. Lying there being factual. And begging the questions . . . “So what? What does this mean? What should we do about it?”

So, facts need to be interpreted in order for decisions to be made or for actions to happen.

But, first the facts need to stand on their own.

This is the problem with most meetings. The facts never get a chance to see the light of day. From the first PowerPoint, the facts are already heavily seasoned with opinion. Which triggers endless arguments and fruitless debates. People think they’re debating facts. But, they’re not. Because the facts are hopelessly intertwined with opinions – on both sides of the argument.

We need to untangle the mess and separate the facts from the opinions if there is any hope of having a constructive dialogue, again.

This is easier said than done.

Because, you and I tend to confuse our own opinions for facts. You’ve spent years refining your opinions about the world. You’ve navigated life based on your assumptions. And you’ve refined those assumptions and opinions into a solidly crafted vision of what’s true. Me too.

So, when I look at the world my experience is already being shaped, colored, and distorted (yes, distorted) by my deeply held beliefs, assumptions, and opinions. And it’s the same for you.

Even when we examine the same data – we’re not really looking at the same data.

I’m looking at Eric-colored data. And you’re looking at your-name-here data. We’re both living in more of a subjective world than we typically care to admit.

But, admitting to subjectivity enhances objectivity.

Insisting that your opinion is objective is a contradiction in terms. Opinions are subjective.

They’re your point of view. Not true. Not false. Just one way of looking at and interpreting the facts.

When you can separate out the facts from your opinions, you’re able to make your case more powerfully.

You can state the facts.

Facts are data that can be confirmed by anyone. No opinions are required. Facts are simple. Obvious. And not up for debate.

Then you can offer your interpretation.

You can explain how you interpret the facts. And why you think the way you do. You can openly share your assumptions – knowing that this is just one way of interpreting the facts (a way that makes sense to you). You can reveal your values, your beliefs, and your opinions without defensiveness or aggression. Because when you know the difference between facts and your own opinions – and make that distinction explicit – it’s easier for others to listen to you.

Separating  facts from opinions makes it easier for me to listen to you.

When you separate the facts from your opinions – you help me separate the facts from my opinions as well.

We can then look at the facts together. And also clearly talk about how we interpret them. The more you are able to clearly and cleanly separate facts from your interpretations – the more others can understand and trust you.

Then, when you start talking, they won’t automatically turn you off or change the channel.

My mother, Roslyn, and my Aunt Sena had a falling out in 1968. They stopped speaking to each other. My mother died in 2006. They never reconciled.

It’s now 2010 and Sena’s in a nursing home near my house. Her memory is dissolving away. Yet, when I say my mother’s name, Sena still scowls.

She doesn’t remember what happened all those years ago.

The details of the events have faded from memory. But, the emotional momentum continues. It’s an odd consequence of dementia – she’s still angry but can’t say why. The reaction is there, but for no known reason.

Organizations can have this kind of dementia, too.

It happens when the collective belief system – the culture – gets stuck in the past. When people’s behavior in the present are still shaped by events that have long faded from memory.

Here’s an example: the CEO of a client company was famous for repeating, “You can say anything you want around here . . . on your last day.”

He’d deliver this slogan with a sadistic grin on his face.

Or so I was told by the CFO. She’s one of the few employees who ever met him. The sadistic CEO left the organization 10 years ago.

Even though he was gone physically – his impact continued.

The climate of fear that he had instilled persisted long after his departure.

It was as though the emotional nervous system of the organization had been imprinted with the belief that “this is an unsafe environment – be careful of what you say”.

So, even though the CEO was long-gone, the cultural belief lived on. People were still afraid to be honest and open.

It’s as though the organization has a brain.

Just like a human brain, the organizational brain has three main sections.

There’s the neo-cortex. That’s the logical, rational, data-driven part of the organizational brain. It’s deals with strategy, tactics, metrics, planning and implementation.

Then, there are the mammalian and reptilian areas of the organizational brain – which are more primitive.

The mammalian and reptilian parts of the organizational brain shape the corporate culture.

The mammalian brain generates the emotional climate and emotional-driven beliefs of the organization. The reptilian brain governs the automatic, reactive, survival-based organizational behaviors.

These areas of the organizational brain set the mood, the morale, and the unwritten rules that determine how people interact.

The mammalian and reptilian parts of the organizational brain can lock onto an event and turn it into an enduring belief.

That’s why the impact of a bad leader can linger years after he or she departs.

Even if nobody was there when the actual events that transpired.

Because, when leaders act in ways that undermine trust – the memory of their betrayal lodges in the organization’s primitive brain.

The emotional impact of the events has it’s own momentum. A momentum that locks the culture – the people – into patterns of reactivity whose roots are in the distant past.

How can leaders overcome organizational dementia?

First of all, realize that you’re not dealing with logic, here. You’ve got to aim your communication to the more primitive – and more powerful – parts of the organizational brain.

These parts of the organizational brain:

• Aren’t convinced by numbers.
• Could care less about organizational charts.
• Don’t trust policies or procedures.

Please, don’t start with a PowerPoint slide show. The mammalian and reptilian parts of the organizational brain hate PowerPoint. They ignore it. Particularly if it’s filled with lots of graphs and numbers.

You can influence the primitive parts of the organization’s brain.

Here are ten strategies that can engage the mammalian/reptilian brains:

1) Create safety.

Any hint that you’re in attack mode, and you’re finished. The emotional culture that you want to transform is very sensitive to criticism and judgment. If you’re frustrated or punishing, in any way, the primitive parts of the organizational brain will shut you out.

These entrenched memories can’t be uprooted with a crowbar. They need a safe space in order to open up.

These patterns of behavior may have out-lived their usefulness, but they began as self-protective mechanisms. Tread lightly. And respect their original intention.

2) Be curious.

Ask questions. Learn about the history that shaped the culture. Invite people to tell their stories. Get interested in the unspoken beliefs and assumptions that underlie the reactive behaviors.

Bring these beliefs and assumptions out of the dark – where they operate automatically – and into the light of awareness.

Discuss the impact of the beliefs and assumptions on individuals, teams, and organizational effectiveness.

Ask:

“What are the consequences of this belief?”

“How does it impact performance?”

“How does it impact your experience of fun and fulfillment?”

3) Reveal your dilemma.

If you had a magic formula or a silver bullet to transform the culture – you’d use it. But, you don’t. Nobody does. So, share your dilemma, your dissatisfaction with the patterns of the past, and your longing for a new way of interacting with each other.

Declare your readiness to move on. Be personal.

Explain how you no longer want to let the old belief govern your thoughts and actions. That you’re ready to let go of that past pattern and want to move on.

4) Let people know what you long for – as a person.

Talk about what matters most to you at work. Not just in terms of the business. Name your deepest values.

Don’t play it safe and talk only about “productivity”, “effectiveness”, and other commonly accepted organizational values. Dig deeper. Explore and express the values that make life worth living for you. Maybe it’s love. Or spirituality. Or creativity. Put your values out there. And talk about what it would look like to infuse the organizational culture with these kinds of values.

5) Admit that you won’t always walk your talk.

You’re human. And while you aspire to live your values – you also have blind spots. You can lose your way and react out of emotion not principles.

Invite people to give you feedback about when you are and aren’t living your values. And when they give you feedback say, “Thank you. I appreciate the feedback and your willingness to help me grow as a leader.”

6) Be the change.

Start acting in accord with your values and your longing. Don’t wait for the culture to change. It never goes first.

Ask yourself, “What would it look like for me to express my values fully and authentically in this meeting?” This takes courage. It’s risky and powerful. Because while the culture will not immediately embrace your new stance, taking it will connect you with a source of inner strength.

7) Embrace resistance.

Your behavior will challenge the emotionally encoded beliefs of the past. This activates cultural survival instincts and people fight back. They may attack you. They’ll defend their behavior and attempt to marginalize your challenge as – idealistic, touchy feely, naïve, and impractical.

You’ll likely be made fun of (at least behind your back), ignored, marginalize, or accommodated (if you have enough positional power). It’s all part of the process.

It takes inner courage to persist in modeling the new behavior, without reverting to anger, blame, or power politics.

Engage people in renewing the organizational values.

If your organization has a statement of values, start a conversation on your team about what the values mean and how the reactive patterns don’t express those values.

This is not a training to teach values. It is a conversation that invites people to infuse the old values with new life.

Take any corporate value and have a team conversation. Ask:

• What does this mean to you personally?
• How does it connect with what matters to you?
• How would you express this value in action?

9) Encourage people talk about values from a personal perspective.

Don’t impose corporate definitions. Let shared understanding of values emerge though open dialogue. It’s the open dialogue that begins to recode the culture.

Your team’s definition doesn’t need to be a word-for-word replica of those on the corporate plaque. People need to make the values their own. And that means giving them meaning in words that resonate for them. It means envisioning what it means to live the values in their work.

10) Point out examples of the new values-in-action

Take time during staff meetings to celebrate individuals who have demonstrated the values-in-action. Invite team members to celebrate each other; to coach and support each other in living the shared values. By focusing on core values. By putting those values into action. By supporting each other in living those values – you can overcome the organizational dementia.

Questions for Reflection & Action

1) How is your organization suffering from dementia?

What are the outmoded beliefs, assumptions, grudges, fears that are shaping people’s actions/thoughts in the present?

How does this cultural dementia impact you, your team, those you serve?

2) What will you do to change this?

What is a small action you can take to “be the change”?

Who will you talk with?

What will you talk about?

(How can you purify any blame or judgment from what you say?)

The other day I was in the library and I saw someone. Someone I really didn’t want to talk to. So, I slid behind the nearest bookshelf and quickly exited the building. Not the most mature or neighborly behavior. But, I really wanted to avoid this person.

Most people do the same thing when it comes to conflict.

They avoid it. Hide from it. Duck behind a bookshelf, a computer, a cell phone, a deadline – anything to avoid the conflict.

They just don’t want to go through the upheaval, drama, blood and guts. Better to side step the issue. Make nice. Or covertly get what you want anyway by working around, instead of confronting, the other person.

What’s so unpleasant about conflict?

It tends to bring out the worst aspects of our personalities and our most sniveling, conniving, or violent behaviors. We fear the consequences – to our work, our relationships, our reputation, our selves.

Of course, some people leap into the fray with sword swinging.

But, they too are driven by fear. And their aggressive strategy reduces the possibility of creatively arriving at a shared agreement.

Conflicts of opinion, needs, and goals are inevitable when you work in highly interdependent and complex organization (world). The question becomes how can you enter into the conflict in ways that will increase trust, upgrade the final decision, and improve the clarity of communication.

Here are five ways:

(As you read these think about a specific conflict your facing).

1) Expand the Frame.

Your conflict is about some specific issue, project, decision, or action. But, when you’re deep in the conflict it can seem HUGE. It’s huge because you’ve narrowed your perspective; you’ve shrunk the frame until the only thing in the picture is the conflict.

When the frame of your vision is small, the conflict looms large. It’s as if your whole career, future, being is riding on the resolution of this conflict.

But, if expand the frame, pull back, and include it as one element in the larger picture of your life – it takes on more manageable proportions.

As you look back over your life, you’ll see that many of the HUGE issues, conflicts, and emergencies that overwhelmed you in the past simply . . . evaporated. What consumed all of your attention and energy at one time, is now just a memory or even an amusing anecdote.

The conflict you’re in now is the same.

It will, in the not too distant future, be consigned to a dusty back shelf in your memory closet. If you bother to hold onto it at all.

So, take a breath. Take a mental step back and expand your frame.

2) Turn down your amplifier.

In the movie Spinal Tap, the band’s amplifiers could be turned all the way up to “11”. Beyond the traditional “10” to really loud. When, you’re in conflict, your emotional amplifier gets dialed up. Maybe not to 11. But, up there.

Even if you carefully control the volume, tone, and tempo of your voice and the muscles in your face – people feel your emotional intensity. To them, you’re at 11.

Humans are wired to receive emotional messages. And if your emotions are yelling – it doesn’t matter if your voice is whispering.

Turn your emotional amplifier down by focusing directly on your body. Notice where the tensions are and consciously relax those parts of your body. Breathe deeply, slowly, mindfully. Just two or three mindful breaths can immediately reset your parasympathetic nervous system, and dial your amplifier back to easy listening mode.

3) Shift the focus from “it” to “us”.

It’s easy in conflict to focus on the technical details – the issue, the stuff. You want blue carpet. They want brown.

You prefer one vendor. They prefer another.

But, the deeper you dig into the details, the deeper the conflict grows.

Another place to focus is on your relationship. On the way you’re relating to each other. Drop the issue. Deal with what’s happening between you.

Consider whether the quality, tone, and direction of the conversation reflect the kind of relationship you want to build? Reflect on what would make the interaction more positive, useful, and enriching?

Raise these questions. Answer them for yourself. And explore them with the other person.

Talk about how you want to engage with each other when you’re in conflict. Don’t deny that conflicts exist or pretend that they won’t ever come back in the future. Rather, explore how you can use conflicts to strengthen trust, increase creativity, and enhance the quality of the final decision.

4) Find a toehold.

My brother took me rock climbing a few years ago. I only made it a few feet up the face of the rock. Why?

I couldn’t find the toeholds. Yet, my brother was able to ascend the face of the rock using just the tiniest toe and finger holds.

It’s the same when dealing with conflicts. You can move the conversation in a positive direction if you look for a tiny toehold. Just a tiny place of alignment or agreement.

Don’t rush the process. Don’t lunge for conclusion. Just get a toehold.

You’ll need to look for it. And even if it seems too small to matter, remember that resolving conflicts is like rock climbing. You don’t need a big wide ledge of agreement. Just a toehold will do. You can leverage that toehold agreement to move the conversation forward.

5) Raise a flag.

When the flag goes up, everyone salutes. When the anthem is played, everyone stands and sings. Flags and anthems move us and bind us together.

When you’re in conflict, you need to raise a flag. Not a white flag of defeat. But, the flag of higher purpose and mission.

You need to raise – into awareness – the purpose that binds you and the person you’re in conflict with together.

Two people who share a common purpose can still be in conflict. They can still deeply disagree about how to best serve their shared purpose. But, when the flag goes up, they let go of the conflict, to join together in saluting, and honoring something that they both love and serve.

It’s important to raise the flag that binds you together. And to recognize that beneath the conflict there is a shared mission that you both serve.

Questions for Action & Reflection:

Expand the frame.

What shifts when you consider this problem in the larger context of your life?

Turn down your amp.

How can you turn down your emotional amplifier to at least 4?

Shift from “it” to “us”.

What would you do differently if you were as focused on strengthening the relationship as you’re focused on the issue?

Find a toehold.

Where are you and the other person already in alignment and agreement?

Raise a flag.

What’s the mission you both serve? How can that help you through the conflict?

My grandmother loved to serve chopped liver on crackers.

I couldn’t stand the stuff.

“This is horrible.” I’d tell her.

“It’s delicious,” she’d respond, popping another cracker into her mouth.

One day she told me, “Eric, in every argument there are four truths. My truth. Your truth. Our truth. And THE truth.”

“If you insist on your truth and I insist on my truth, we’ll never find our truth,” she smiled, “But, I don’t think we’ll ever know THE truth. Particularly about chopped liver.”

Where are you arguing over chopped liver?

Where are you locked in an argument about who’s right?

Where you think an idea, project, decision tastes great – and someone else can’t stand it? (Or vice versa).

Where people are hurling numbers and data at each other. Building  coalitions. Making (endless) presentations.

But, in the end it’s still my truth versus your truth.

To move forward, what’s needed is a shared truth.

Shared truth isn’t THE truth. It’s  agreement from which to engage in mutual action. It’s our truth.

But, you’ll never get there as long as you take your truth for THE truth. (And as long as they’re doing the same.)

It’s easy to confuse your strong  opinions with the facts.

The way the world appears to you is so . . . real. It’s hard not to see things your way.

Even slightly loosening your grip on your truth can feel threatening. As though you’re admitting that you’re wrong. Even that the other party is right. And you don’t want to go there.

It’s not that having strong opinions is wrong.

It’s just that holding onto your truth too tightly shuts down your ability to influence others.

Because, when you cling to your truth – they cling to theirs. When you dig in your heels – they do too.

It’s a stand off.

And then the only way to get things moving is through force. (Which poisons the well, undermines trust, and increases defensiveness  the next time you meet together).

Your influence grows as you hold your position more lightly.

You don’t have to let go of it completely. But, you can hold it more lightly. You can consider your truth to be simply one perspective; one angle on the situation.

The first step is gently separating yourself from your truth.

This takes self-awareness. The self-awareness to realize that you don’t have to identify with one perspective – with your truth. And, the self-awareness to notice what thoughts, emotions, and tensions arise as you loosen your grip on your truth.

Think of detaching from your truth as taking off a favorite pair of sunglasses. You’re not tossing them away. You’re not getting rid of them. You’re just setting them down or slipping them into your pocket.

Your truth is still close by.

It’s there when you need to pick it back up. But, now, having loosened your cognitive grip,  you’re not totally identified with it. And, so you can temporarily adopt alternative views.

Take a breath. Pause. And try on other perspectives. Listen to others and learn what the world looks and feels like for them. Experience their version of the truth. Put on their sunglasses.

This isn’t a magic bullet for getting them to agree with you.

It’s simply a way to inject movement and flexibility into a frozen conversation. Because when one person in the conversation opens up – there’s more openness in the room. When one person in the conversation stops insisting that there’s only one truth – there possibility for new truths to emerge increases.

When you loosen your grip on your truth – at least one person in the conversation is actually listening, learning, and exploring alternative.

And, then when it’s time for you to present your point of view again it will be enriched by what you’ve learned through listening.

And most importantly, the emotional tone behind your position will be softened.

You may still believe in your truth. You’ll likely prefer it. You just won’t mistake it for THE truth. And this small but significant shift in attitude, will make your presentation of your truth much more palatable.

Even if you’re serving chopped liver.

About a year ago, Deborah and I went to a Taj Mahal concert at a local bar/music venue. We both love Taj – particularly the music on his Giant Step recording from 1969. Yeah, big chunks of our brains are still stuck in the 60’s. And we wanted Taj to shake those old neurons and take us on a bluesy walk down memory lane. See, we’re fans.

And fans are deadly for artists like Taj.

If he caters to the demands of fans like me, he’ll stop growing as an artist. He’ll serve up re-heated oldies instead of mixing new recipes that stoke his creative fires. He might be a bigger star. He’d certainly make fans like me happier. But, he wouldn’t be as great an artist. And I wouldn’t have grown as a listener.

Because, listening to his new music forced me to stretch my musical imagination.

And to let go of my expectations. To actually listen instead of simply reveling in my memories.

But, this isn’t an article about music. It’s about leadership. Because leaders have fans too. You have fans. And your fans can be deadly to your development as a leader.

In fact, your biggest fans and strongest supporters can exert the most limiting hold on you.

Because they’re fans of who you’ve been. Not who you are becoming. Fans want to be able to predict you. They want you to be consistent. They want you to do what you’ve always done in the day you’ve always done it. They want you to conform to their expectations.

When you change, your fans don’t like it.

It’s disturbing. But, that’s what exercising leadership requires. In the felicitous phrase of Marty Linksy (from the Kennedy School at Harvard), leadership is the process of “disappointing people at a rate they can absorb.”

If you’re just playing the same old tunes, nobody will be disappointed.

They’ll be happily dozing in the comfort of the expected.

But, that’s not leadership. Leadership shakes things up. Acts of leadership disturb the apple cart of expectation and challenge people to engage in new ways of thinking and acting.

Disappointing acts of leadership aren’t gratuitous.

It’s not disappointment for its own sake. It’s purposeful disappointment. Disappointment in service of a purpose that is deeper than popularity or approval.

Even so, disappointing fans (particularly powerful fans) takes courage.

Because your fans (at every level of the organization) won’t automatically groove with the new music. They may actually resent it. They may fight against it and try to keep you from playing it.

But, keep playing. Don’t lose the beat. Don’t settle for being a star. Be like Taj. Play the music that needs to be heard.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

• What old ideas and patterns of behavior are you still playing (even though you’re heart’s not in it)?
• How are you holding back your leadership – to meet the expectations of others?
• Who’s approval are you seeking – instead of pursuing what a vision that matters?
• What’s the new idea/project that you want to bring to life?