This is a question that a woman emailed me after reading my post The Problem with Being Positive: “Can I harness my power and still be nice?”

The short answer is no.

Because, “power” is the ability to act effectively and create what matters most in your work and life. And what is “nice”?

Nice is a knife.

It’s a knife you use to cut off parts of your self that are unacceptable. You started using the knife when you were young. Cutting off the parts that don’t fit with family expectations. It’s something we all do. It’s part of the human condition. But, don’t worry; those dismembered parts of yourself are still part of you.

The dismembered parts don’t disappear.

They go into, what Robert Bly, evoking the work of C.G. Jung, called the “shadow bag”. All the cut off parts of your psyche go into the shadow bag. Here’s how it works . . .

Imagine you’re a kid feeling the buoyant energy of Spring.

You run into the living room whooping, leaping, and bouncing off the walls. You’re feeling pure joy. But, to your folks your behavior appears “noisy” and “crazy” and “loud”. They tell you in no uncertain terms to cut it out. And, you do.

You cut out the buoyant, leaping, energetic parts of yourself and stuff them onto the shadow bag.

Year by year the bag getting heavier, filled with the unacceptable parts of your life. The parts of your soul, psyche, and self and were deemed unacceptable by powerful “others” – parents, teachers, leaders, friends, lovers, etc.

Those parts aren’t gone. They’re in the shadow bag. You drag them behind you but don’t offer them to the world. You tip toe along. You modulate your voice. You’re nice.

Every cut diminishes your power.

You can still proceed with your life. Even with parts of cut off. You can even do quite well – you’re nice after all, and people respond well to nice. But, there’s that bag and all those cut off parts dragging behind you.

Sooner or later things start to stink.

You begin to notice a strange odor. At first it comes and goes. It’s bothersome but not persistent. But, if neglected for too long, the stink gets stronger. Soon, every meeting you go to, every conversation you have, everywhere you go, is permeated with that annoying odor.

It’s the odor of your cut off parts seeking to rejoin your life.

They’ve been reaching out to you all along. But, you were trained not to notice. So, you didn’t.

You were taught from a young age to hide your deepest longings, to deny essential and sacred parts of who you are. In your family, school, and at work you’ve been encouraged to act as if you are complete while simultaneously cutting of parts of your self and exiling them to the shadow bag.

When you cut off parts of yourself, you cut off the flow of your life.

To get your life moving in a powerful, authentic direction starts with reclaiming the parts of yourself that have been cut off. And reclaiming starts when you notice that persistent stink.

In the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus is quoted as saying “”If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

The stink that’s pursuing you isn’t a problem to make go away. It’s a call to live more fully and contribute more completely. Which all sounds great. But, honestly it’s not easy to face the stink.

So, before you face the stink of the shadow bag, you may want to try some air freshener.

You know what I mean? Maybe take vacation to recharge your batteries.

But, pay attention to what happens when you come back from vacation. If you find that within a day (an hour) of returning to the office that the stink has returned – be not deceived. The issue isn’t that you’re not getting enough time off.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a vacation.

There’s not. Same with exercise, yoga, meditation, and hiring a coach. All can be useful. But, if you use them to mask the stink and to avoid facing the shadow bag – you’re avoiding the issue. This issue is whether you want to be powerful or nice. To create what matters most or wield the knife of nice and cut more deeply into the your life.

Let me be the first to admit – I’d rather use air freshener than face my shadow bag.

I’d rather not face the stink. But, at a certain point, it becomes clear that turning towards the shadow bag is the way forward. The path to power travels through the shadow bag.

It’s not a matter of being either nice or being powerful.

It’s a matter of facing your experience fully. Truthfully. Without leaping to conclusions or solutions. It’s a matter of life.

So, how can you proceed? If you’re ready to be powerful, just, take the next step on the path of power. There’s really no road map. It’s a step-by-step process.

Step towards the unacceptable places within you.

You don’t need to do anything else. Simply step with awareness towards the shadow bag. Take your time.

As you step forward, your experience of the stink changes. You begin to see how the difficulties you encounter (especially the really stinky ones) are precisely structured to call forth the cut off parts that are waiting to be redeemed from your shadow bag.

The conflicts that you face at work and in life point towards the un-integrated parts of your self to return to life.

I don’t want you to think that this path is automatically strewn with flower petals. But, I do want to encourage you to pay attention. Notice the stink. Step forward. And keep breathing.

Yes, keep breathing and soon you’ll notice something strange. That stink  – which had been so noxious – is starting to smell like flowers.

Now, that’s nice.

Once you know what your core values are, you need to define what they really mean to you, what it looks like for you to express that value in your work. No dictionary can define your values for you.

You must articulate yourself what it means to live your values.

To do this, you’ll   need to break free from the pull of inherited definitions and seek to honestly and courageously think for yourself. In developing a unique meaning for each of your values you start to shape your own definition of leadership and what it means for you to live authentically.

For example, one of my core values is service.

My definition of service is: To act in ways that support others to discover and act on their deepest truth. In my work this means taking time to listen to others deeper needs; asking questions to help them find their own solutions; making sure that I focus on what matter most – not just on quick fix solutions. These definitions allow me to reflect on the degree to which my daily actions express my values.

Write down your individual meaning for each of your three core values.  What does it mean to you to live this value fully and authentically?

1) My Core Value:

Meaning:

What it means for me to live this value in my life:

What it means for me to live this value in my work:

2) My Core Value:

Meaning:

What it means for me to live this value in my life:

What it means for me to live this value in my work:

3) My Core Value:

Meaning:

What it means for me to live this value in my life:

What it means for me to live this value in my work:

Educator and author, Parker Palmer points out that, “Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.”

Those times in your work and life when you were most alive and engaged – peak experiences – offer clues to your core values.

Those times in your work and life when you were struggling, frustrated, and in confusion – valley experiences – also offer clues to your core values. Not so much by what was present, but by what was missing or lacking.

Learning to listen to the clues in your life experiences helps you identify your core values.

There are messages within your experiences that can go unheard if you do not pause and listen.

So, take a few minutes right now to listen to your life.

Think a time in your work and/or life when you were most energized, engaged, and fulfilled.

• What was alive for you?
• What was energizing?
• What does this tell you about your core values?

Think a time in your work and/or life when you were most frustrated, depleted, struggling.

• What were you longing for?
• What was missing?
• What does this tell you about your core values?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Your core values are the source of your passion and purpose.

When you are connected to and acting from core values, you are energized, passionately engaged, and able to act with power and integrity. When you are disconnected from those core values your vitality evaporates, decision making is confused, and work frustrating.

When you’re not connected to your core values, or struggling to express them, you’ll tend to feel depleted, demoralized, de-energized.

The poet David Whyte captures the experience of being disconnected from core values when he writes:

When your eyes are tired

the world is tired also

In terms of core values, one could paraphrase and say that when you’re disconnected from the source of passion and purpose within you, life becomes stale, bland, and aimless.

Knowing your core values does not eliminate the inevitable challenges or changes of life, nor ensure a smooth ride.

But it will provide you with one element of your living inner compass for staying on track during challenging times and for making wise choices that promote high performance and high fulfillment.

So, turning inward to connect to core values is essential is you’re to bring forth your gifts and experience the fulfillment that comes from making your full contribution to life.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

What are your core values?

What does it mean for you to express them fully and authentically in your work?

Deborah and I had just enjoyed a lovely meal when the waiter sidled up to the table with the dessert menu. We looked at the offerings and agreed that we both wanted and didn’t want to order dessert.

When it comes to leadership, most organizations (people) are the same way: we want and don’t want leadership.

We’re ambivalent about leadership.
We like it when people exercise leadership in ways that are inspiring and bring out our best qualities. We like leadership that generates breakthrough results without requiring us to break a sweat.

But we don’t want leadership if it causes discomfort, confusion, or sore muscles (mentally and emotionally). We don’t want to have to go through a lot of messy transformation on our way to breakthrough results.

This ambivalence makes exercising leadership a real challenge.
Because the people you work with both want and don’t want you to exercise leadership. Essentially, they want you to resolve their struggles without any . . . well . . . struggle. And that is rarely possible.

So, when you take leadership action – you’ll be met with an ambivalent response.
In some ways, your leadership is longed for and welcomed. In other ways, it’s the last thing anyone really wants from you.

This is ambivalence applies to your boss, your peers, and your direct reports.
And it makes the practice of leadership tricky. Marty Linsky, of Harvard’s Kennedy School,  captures this trickiness perfectly in his phrase: “Leadership is disappointing people at a rate they can absorb.”

Facing this ambivalence can trigger your own doubts and hesitancy about exercising leadership.
Better, it seems, to rely on your authority – the power that comes with your job description. At least, when you wield your designated authority, no one can say you’re not doing your job. Because, that’s exactly what you will be doing when you act within those well-defined bounds.

It’s when you step over the line of your sanctioned authority that you enter into the ambivalent world of leadership.
That’s when people can say, with some justification,

• “Who does he think he is?”
• “That’s not her job!”
• “We don’t have to listen to her.”

When people sense that you’re acting outside the bounds of your sanctioned authority – they’re ambivalent.
A part of them is relieved and thankful that at last someone is speaking the truth. While another part of them is irritated and anxious about dealing with issues that have been unspoken, even taboo, for so long.

When people in your organization call out to you for leadership – be aware.
They do want leadership. And they don’t. For a lot of reasons: their plate is full; they’re busy and overwhelmed. And they’re comfortable in their current state – no matter how miserable that comfort may appear.

All this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t lead.
It just means that you need a strong sense of purpose to guide you. A purpose that can keep you company as you encounter the inevitable ups and downs that will occur as you experience the organization’s ambivalence to leadership.

This purpose is at once deeply personal and organizationally relevant.
It can’t simply be an idea that’s logical. Logical arguments rarely have the power to withstand organizational ambivalence. (This is not to say that you must abandon logic. No. You must simple augment the logic of your position with a deeply felt sense of values and purpose.)

The more intimately you can fuse your own sense of values with the idea your proposing – the more you will be able to weather the storm of ambivalence.

Are you ready to wade it? Here are some questions to get started:

• What is an issue that you believe needs attention and is currently being neglected?
• What is a conversation that you believe needs to happen but which is currently being avoided?
• What is an idea that you believe needs to be championed but is currently without powerful sponsorship?

Your answers to these questions is your invitation to exercise leadership.
But, don’t dive right in. Recognize that you will be welcomed and resisted. Embraced and argued with. It’s inevitable.

So, take it slowly. Because while what you’re  offering the organization may, from your perspective, look as tempting and tasty as  wonderful dessert. People can only absorb it a spoonful at a time.

The wisdom traditions, from around the world, suggest using death as your advisor.
The awareness of death, far from being a morbid preoccupation, illuminates the sacredness of this moment.
I remember teaching a meditation retreat on Maui and waking each morning to the most amazing spider web bedecked in glisten drops of dew. Each drop sparkled like a jewel in the morning sun. The very sun that would cause each radiant drop to evaporate within the hour.

Isn’t every moment as amazing and radiant as a drop of dew – and, as fleeting?
Yes, there’s a lot to do. And awareness of death – which is awareness of the sacredness of this moment – clarifies the relative importance of the items on your to-do list.

Awareness of death brings into sharp relief this moment-to-moment choice: will you devote yourself to what matters most or pour  your life into busy-work?

Fidelity to your heart’s deepest dream isn’t primarily a matter of self-discipline or productivity systems. It’s more a practice of remembering – that this life is jewel-like, radiant, and fleeting like the dew on a spider’s web.

Try this alternative to a complex productivity system..
Several times each day pause and as the question that poet Mary Oliver poses:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

And I would add – “And what is a simple, direct choice that will move you in that direction?”
Okay. Go do that.

(RFK was making a campaign stop on Fire Island where my family spent the summer.)

Along with a few hundred others, I followed Kennedy as he trudged across the hot sand. Dressed in wingtip shoes, a white shirt and tie, he was turning beet-red and sweating profusely.

Someone yelled, “He needs water.”

A teenager ran into a nearby cottage – emerging moments later with a glass of water.

The glass of water was passed from hand to hand until it came to me.
I carefully passed the glass of water to the next person. A few seconds later, Bobby Kennedy lifted the glass to his lips and drank deeply.

What could be more trivial, commonplace, and ordinary than handing someone a glass of water?
I had done the same thing hundreds of times. I had passed countless glasses of water around the dinner table to my younger brother and sister.

And I have forgotten every single one.

So, why do I remember passing along this glass of water – after all these decades?

What transforms an ordinary, everyday activity into something significant?
As far as I was concerned, I wasn’t merely passing along a glass of water.
Nope. I was participating in something significant. Even historic.

I was contributing to something that mattered.
My sense of playing a part in something significant – transformed a commonplace gesture. Passing a glass of water became truly important.

Without a sense that “my work matters”, people lose enthusiasm for what they do.
Most people have lost that sense of significance. They don’t see that what they do really matters.

All they have is an endless (and lifeless) to-do list. A list of tasks to be completed. But, no sense of why it matters.

From one perspective, most workdays are spent doing ordinary, commonplace activities.
It’s task, task, task – as far as the eye can see.
One task after another.
One “glass of water” after another.

But, when you look at your work this way – your sense of purpose dies.

Taking a task-only perspective – robs work of its vitality and meaning.
When you view your work through the “task only” lens you can’t see the meaning of what you do.

Blinded by too much task awareness, the sense that what I do matters dies.

When purpose dies, people just go through the motions. Mechanically completing tasks. Without enthusiasm or care.

Not good.

Actually, bad.
For people, the organization, and those you serve.

That’s why leaders need to focus as much on meaning as they do on tasks.

Leaders help people (and themselves) connect daily tasks with a sense of purpose and meaning.
One of the functions of leadership is to reveal the significance of “what we do” as an organization. Not just in terms of metrics and measures but also in terms purpose and meaning.

This doesn’t mean that you’re in the business of saving the world.

You may build heavy equipment. Or make chocolate. Or process data. Or sell shoes.
That’s the product or service you deliver.

Not the purpose you serve.

Leaders help people connect to both. Because, people need to be clear on both. They need to understand (and be skilled) at their tasks. And they need to know why what they do matters.

Even selling cosmetics can have a higher purpose.
Consider Mary Kay who defined her organization’s higher purpose this way: To give unlimited opportunity to women.
Having a clearly defined higher purpose infused all of the myriad tasks of the Mary Kay business with a sense of meaning and significance.

Because everyday people are doing tasks. Their dealing with their “glass of water”.
But, to what end?
Why? Mostly, they don’t know.

People need to see how what they do – in the most commonplace activities – contributes to something that matters.

Here’s how:

1) List your “glasses of water”?
What are the tasks that fill your days?
What do you do – in very concrete and practical terms?
What activities constitute – doing your job. These tasks are your glasses of water.

2) Reflect on what makes these tasks meaningful?
Ask:
Why does what I/we do matter?
Why does it matter to me/us?
To the team?
To the organization?
To the customer/clients?
To society at large?

3) Add purpose into planning the tasks of the day.
Ask yourself:
What can I do today to ensure that my work reflects my higher purpose?

Ask your team:
What can we do today to ensure that our work reflects our higher purpose?

Take time to embed this way of thinking and you will transform the ordinary “glasses of water” that make up the day – into acts of purpose and meaning.

Otherwise, work will be as empty as . . . an empty glass of water.

Imagine sitting in a meeting. You’ve just presented your thoughts on a project. A colleague looks over at you like you just coughed up a hairball onto the conference table. Then, someone makes a joke – a not-so-cleverly disguise put-down. You see another person trying to muffle a laugh.

At this point you can feel a churning in your gut.
It’s your inner Neanderthal waking up from a nap.

Yes, there’s a Neanderthal inside you.
There’s a Neanderthal napping lightly in your nervous system. He (or she) is on the lookout for danger – monitoring the environment for threats.

Your Neanderthal interprets any challenge to a life or death scenario.
And while logically, you may know better, your Neanderthal cares little for your logic.
Your Neanderthal knows only pure gut reaction unmediated by nuance or reason.
And he/she can’t tell the difference between the imminent attack of a saber toothed tiger and a difficult business meeting.

That’s why trusting your gut isn’t always a good idea.
Not all gut reactions are created equal.

There are two kinds of gut reactions.
There’s the Neanderthal Alarm – which is perfect if you meet up with a saber tooth tiger.
And there’s another kind of gut reaction that I call the Congruence Alert.

Let’s examine them both.

The Neanderthal Alarm works well when something is threatening your very existence.
Your Neanderthal keeps things simple.
If something appears to be threatening you, your Neanderthal assumes it needs to be destroyed or avoided.
Your Neanderthal sees only two options: fight or flight. No gray area.

Neither of which are usually appropriate at work.

That’s why – in most work situations – the best response to a Neanderthal Alarm is to breathe.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Take your attention off the apparent threat and focus on soothing the Neanderthal with full, relaxed, diaphragmatic breathing.

Despite the sense of urgency it creates, the Neanderthal Alarm is not a signal to act.
It’s a signal to stop.
To breathe and re-balance yourself.
It’s a primitive response that rarely brings out your best. The wisest response is to cool out.

But, there is another kind of gut reaction that you need to pay attention to.
This is your Congruence Alert.
Your Congruence Alert is not focused on destroying or escaping external threats.

The purpose of your Congruence Alert is to get you to pay attention to the alignment of your actions with your values.

Your Congruence Alert goes off when you are in danger of abandoning your core values.
Its purpose is to help you live congruently with your core values.

So, imagine that you’re in a meeting:
The team is about to make a decision that will have long term impact.
Your boss has clearly stated her opinion and the rest of the team seems to agree.
But, you’re not so sure.
Do you voice your opinion? Or do you sit quietly?
As you sit there, you feel restless. Your face is hot and there’s a churning in your gut.

What’s going on? There’s no external threat.
So, what’s up?
It’s your Congruence Alert letting you know that you’re teetering on the edge of incongruence. Of potentially acting in ways that don’t fully reflect your core values.

You’re at a choice point, a fork in the road.
Your Congruence Alert is there to make sure that you pay attention. It’s there to help you realize that you can choose – even in complicated situations – to act in ways that are congruent with your values.

Your Congruence Alert is your ever-present coach.
It’s built right into your body.
When you start to turn away from your core values – the Congruence Alert will let you know.
It feels distinctly different from the blood curdling rush of the Neanderthal Alarm.
But, you need to figure out the feeling difference, yourself.
Because, the physical dynamics of your Congruence Alert are individualize.

The key is to distinguish the difference between the two.
Just because your stomach is clenching or your heart is pounding doesn’t mean that you’re feeling a Neanderthal Alarm.
Every intense bodily reaction doesn’t need to be soothed into submission with slow, rhythmic breathing.

That churning in your stomach may be a Congruence Alert trying to get your attention in the only way it knows how – through your body. It needs to be heeded not smoothed over.

How can you tell if a churning tummy is the call of the wild or the call of your values?

Become a student of your gut reactions.

Learn to distinguish the difference between the Neanderthal Alarm and the Congruence Alert. They’re different.

And your Congruence Alert will have a definite physical signature. Get to know it.

Then, when you sense the Congruence Alert is active — focus inwardly and ask yourself:

•    How is what I’m doing incongruent with my values?
•    What are three ways to change what I’m doing to be more congruent with my values?

Because all gut feelings aren’t created equally. Some are there to protect you from wild animals. Others are there to help you live in alignment with your core values.

Influence comes from congruence between:

• Your Talk: what you say matters. (Note: You may be saying this to others or just to yourself.)
• Your Walk: what you do.

To be more influential consider:

• Where do you want more influence in your work or life?
• What would it look like if your talk and your walk were more congruent in this situation?
• How can you start living that congruence today?

Key idea

• Integrity = when your actions and your values overlap.

Questions for application

• Where, in your life, do you want more overlap between your values & your actions?
• What can you do today to increase the overlap?