My wife’s family owns several cottages on Canandaigua Lake. We’ve been spending part of the summer there for decades. It’s green. And it’s serene. Unless there’s a storm – like the other night. We were awakened at 2 am by brilliant flashes of lightening, booming thunder, and pouring rain. Natural drama.

“It’s like a scene from some monster movie,” I remarked as the lightening struck again, illuminating our room.

My brain was making an association.

Dark and stormy night = monster movie. Your brain is always making these kinds of associations. It’s a useful strategy. It saves time and energy.

You don’t have to start every situation, with a clean mental slate. You can rely on your associations to provide you with ideas, insights, and options.

This is efficient.

You can trust your associations, your memory, and your past experience to guide you. You don’t have to re-invent the wheel. But, useful as this associational process is, it’s also limiting.

Because, when you rely on associations to shape your perceptions, in a fundamental way, you’re not dealing with what’s in front of you.

You’re responding to an image, or association, from the past.

Your associations overlay the present moment with the filters of the past. The association acts as a filter. This filter, while it helps you respond efficiently, also blocks you from dealing with the immediate situation in a fresh and creative way.

This filtering and associational process happens automatically without conscious intent. And thus, your perceptions, ideas, and actions can easily become automated, unconscious.

Whenever you’re listening to another person, this filtering process is at work.

Imagine going into your boss’s office. Even before you walk through the door, all your past experiences with her are being accessed. All your filters are in place. So, when you interact with your boss, unless you make a conscious effort, most of the time you’ll be relying on your automatic associations to guide your interactions.

This is also the case when you’re dealing with someone for the first time.

Rather than meet them in a fresh, unguarded, and open way, the brain automatically begins searching it’s internal databases for examples of people, conversations, and situations that were similar to this one. Similar enough sot that you can use those past experiences as templates to guide your interactions in the present.

The problem is that these templates limit you.

They constrain your perceptions – overlaying a filter of the past on your present experience. Without your conscious awareness. Unless you start to notice the filters as filters. Rather than look at people through your filters – step back and look at the filters themselves. When you step back, in consciousness, you are able to witness filters as filters. To observe thoughts as thoughts.

Taking this step back in consciousness is a huge step forward in terms of your creativity, influence, and understanding.

This step back in consciousness frees you from the constraints of your habitual thoughts and filters. It gives you back choice. The choice to use the filters and associations when they work. And the choice to set them aside so you can develop new more appropriate ways of responding to what life presents.

One of the most important ways of stepping back in consciousness is to start to “listen to your own listening”.

This idea of listening to your own listening comes from the physicist David Boehm. Boehm was one of the pioneers of quantum physics. In his later years, he became fascinated with the practice of dialogue and how to enhance human communication in order to be able to solve challenging problems.

And he realized, the key to creative, problem-solving dialogue is the capacity to listen deeply to others.

But, Boehm discovered that deep listening to others doesn’t really happen unless you’re able to “listen to your own listening”.

Because if you’re not doing this – then your automatic listening-filters will be distorting how you understand, experience, and interact with others.

So, how do you become aware of your listening-filters?

You can’t see them. But, you can feel them.

By becoming a student how your body feels and reacts – you learn to discern the physical presence of these automatic filters.

Here’s how: think about an important communication that it’s important for you to make. Imagine the person that you’ll be communicating with. Picture the setting.

And then, pay attention to your body.

Notice what you’re feeling – physically – as you recall that difficulty. Just stay with the physical sensations. How does your body respond to that memory? Where is there tension? Heat? Discomfort?

These are the somatic associations that are triggered by this situation.

These tensions are the physical evidence that a filter is in place. That you’re brain has accessed a memory-based template AND that it’s shaping your perceptions, insights, and decisions.

You don’t need to be in the actual situation to study your bodily reactions. You just need to think about it.

The good news is that this pattern of physical tension doesn’t just relate to this one situation. Any experience that is similar enough will tend to activate this same sequence of bodily reactions.

This physical redundancy is good news.

Because, noticing and catching mental filters, as they arise, is kind of hard. What’s easier is noticing body tensions. Clenched jaw. Twitchy muscles. These kinds of signals are much more . . . tangible.

It means you can trust your body.

Whenever this pattern of tension arises – it means a filter is being stimulated. A reactive, tension-based, filter is insinuating itself between you and whatever and whoever is out there.

You can count on this. And thus, whenever this pattern of tension arises – STOP. Don’t make a decision. Don’t take an action. Don’t reach a conclusion. Just stop and be aware.

Notice the bodily tensions and recognize inwardly that this means your brain is in automatic-reaction- mode. And then take a breath. And set that tension aside.

In setting the tension aside, you set the filter aside.

They aren’t two separate things. Your mental listening-filter and your pattern of bodily tension are like two sides of a single coin. By becoming aware of and releasing your body tension – which is relatively easy – you can let go of your automatic mental filters.

Then, you can choose to listen afresh.

You can open not only your ears, but also your mind – and begin to discover new insights, new ideas, and new options as you listen to others liberated from your habitual filters of the past.

Then, even when communication thunder and lightening strike – you won’t end up in a rerun of some old monster movie.

When my wife was a child, her family called her Debbie.

In her thirties she returned to her full given name of Deborah. The old name no longer fit who she had become and who she was becoming. Her re-naming was an act of self-identification that heralded a new relationship with the world.

All wisdom traditions recognize the power of names.

When a young man or woman is initiated into adulthood, they receive a new name. When a monk or yogi is initiated into a holy order – a new name is given.

This new name heralds a new spiritual identity and opens the door to a new way of being in the world.

This naming process happens at work, as well.

A client that I’ve worked with for many years has changed the name of the Personnel, Human Resources, Human Capital department several times. Each change reflecting a new way of thinking about and presenting the work of that department.

Many years ago, Ken Blanchard changes his title from CEO to CSO (Chief Spiritual Officer) to reflect a new way of seeing and being in the world,

What’s the name you give to what you do? What’s your title?

If you work in an organization, you may not have much influence over your title.

But, you can still choose to name your work. You can still give yourself a “hidden” or “inner” title. A title that does more than simply position you on the organization chart. You can choose a title, a name that supports your calling.

On the org chart you may have the title of senior analyst, manager, or something equally prosaic.

But, that’s simply the organizational title of the job you’re doing.

You can give yourself another title. One that reflect, more completely, the unique perspectives and gifts that you bring to the job. This title might not be on your business card. But, it can be on your heart and in your mind.

It’s an inner title.

An esoteric title that reminds you of your calling. Such an inner title reminds you that:

• Doing your job is important and honorable, it’s not enough.
• Fulfilling the duties that your organizational title describes is necessary but not sufficient.
• To express your calling, to give your unique gifts, you need to go beyond the sterile definition of the official title.

Your official title is designed to limit your influence.

It describes what you do in org-chart lingo. Which is useful for fitting what you do into the org chart. It’s good for writing a job description. It’s a reminder to stay inside the lines.

Having an inner title is another kind of reminder.

It reminds you of your calling. And that you, and you alone, have the power to name and claim that calling. But it also reminds you of this:

• You don’t have to quit or abandon your “official” job to live your calling.
• Your organizationally defined job offers you a context through which you can express your gifts and pursue your calling.
• It gives you a platform upon which you can perform the magic that is yours alone to perform.

Your job title is just a starting point.

It’s a platform not a prison. Though many people don’t know this. And they become hypnotized by the title. They start believing and acting as though the title defines what they do. If you’re not paying attention, it can become a prison. And then your soul slowly starts to whither. But, it doesn’t have to.

For many entrepreneurs the situation is actually worse.

They give themselves these incredibly boring, soul-withering titles in an attempt to appear “professional”. They put themselves in prison.

Fortunately, there is a key that gets you out of prison.

The key is . . . a name. A powerful ,new name that:

• Evokes the energy of your deeper calling.
• Wakes up your soul.
• Thrills you and causes you to tremble.

A name that calls you forth – into a new way of seeing and a new way of being.

Maybe it’s time to re-name what you do.

To give your work a new, more powerful name.

So, if you were to give a new name to your work, what would it be?

Once upon a time, there was a hand. The hand lived a busy and fulfilling life. Typing. Playing the guitar. Digging in the garden.

Then one day, the hand was hungry.

So, the hand went into the kitchen and grabbed an apple. The hand squeezed the apple. But, that didn’t take away its hunger. The hand opened a yogurt container and plunged in. Still hungry. Really hungry.

In the midst of it’s hunger, the hand heard a voice.

The voice said, “Feed me and you shall be fed.”

“Who’s that?” asked the hand. Looking up, the hand saw that it was the mouth talking.

The mouth smiled and said, “If you feed me, you’ll be fed.”

The hand wasn’t sure. It didn’t want to just give away its food and get nothing in return. Using its thumb and index finger, the hand opened up the mouth and peered in.

“I see,” said the hand, “It’s the tongue and the teeth talking. You just want the food for yourself. I’m not going to get ripped off again.”

The hand pulled away from the mouth and grabbed a croissant.

The almond pasted oozed out. But, the hand was still hungry. Weak and hungry.

“It simple,” said the mouth, “if you feed me, you’ll be fed.”

Seeing no other options, the hand reached up and put the rest of the croissant into the mouth. The food disappeared inside. The mouth smiled as it chewed and swallowed. The hand was livid.

“I was right,” the hand cursed, “the mouth just wanted all the food for itself.”

Then, something strange happened.

The hand felt a surge of energy. Of strength, And vitality. The hand looked up at the mouth. “It’s true isn’t it? If I feed you, I’m fed.”

“Yes,” the mouth said, smiling, “And, by the way, do you have any more of those delicious croissants?”

“Certainly.” The hand smiled back.

Commentary:

Hand = you

Mouth = your team

Morale = Feed your team and you’ll be fed.

Imagine walking through a rose garden. The flowers in full bloom. The warm air rich with floral perfume.

Are you smiling or sneezing?

It depends on your immune system. Some people’s immune systems defend against roses. Put them in a rose garden and their immune system goes into full defense mode. They don’t inhale the beautiful perfume. They sneeze, tear, and wheeze.

Their immune system detects the rose scent as a threat, an alien invader to be kept out of the body at all costs.

Most people have the same reaction to feedback.

After 25 years of working with thousands of people in organizations of all kinds, it’s clear to me that most people are allergic to feedback. Particularly critical feedback.

The degree of allergic reactions varies.

Some people have full-blown allergies. They can’t take even the hint of critical feedback. It throws them into full defensive mode. Others are just mildly allergic. After an initial defensive reaction, they’re able to take in, absorb, and benefit from critical feedback.

What causes this allergic reaction?

Physically the immune system is designed to identify and destroy alien elements that threaten your bodily health. But, when your immune system makes a mistake – and interprets a harmless (or even beneficial) substance as a threat – you have an allergic response. It’s your body’s over-blown defensive reaction, not the “allergen” that makes you sick.

The same pattern operates on the psychological level.

While feedback isn’t life threatening, psychologically, critical feedback can feel like it’s threatening your:

• Reputation
• Safety
• Competence

In short, feedback can threaten you identity.

And so your mental/emotional defense mechanisms kick into gear – to reject the feedback.

“Allergic” responses to feedback include:

• Rationalizing
• Explaining
• Devaluing
• Arguing.

These are all strategies to protect you from the perceived threat and to eliminate the unwelcome feedback.

But, being allergic to feedback is a mistake.

Defending against feedback – even when it’s presented unskillfully -undermines relationships, limits learning, and restrains your development.

You can’t really control how other people will give you feedback. But, you can learn to minimize your allergic response so you can strengthen relationships, maximize learning, and accelerate your development.

Here are seven steps to eliminating feedback allergies:

1) Recognize the power of your influence

One of the most common ways of defending against critical feedback is to define it as “just their perception”. There’s some truth in this, of course. If they’re offering you the feedback, it is their perception.

But, what shaped, triggered, created that perception? You did.

Rather than think of their feedback as “just their perception”, realize that their assessment of you is something you created. Recognize the power of your influence. You may not like the assessment you’ve created. But, you can claim the power of your influence, nonetheless.

This shift is powerful. It situates you not as a victim of other’s (distorted) perception, but as an influencer, a creator of others’ responses and assessments. From this foundation, you can choose to change the ways you act and interact – in order to re-shape others’ assessments in ways that reflect your values and goals.

2) Appreciate their positive intentions

Even if the person giving you feedback is yelling and screaming – don’t be thrown into an allergic reaction by their words, tone of voice, facial expression. (This is not easy. But it is necessary.) Rather, tune into their positive intentions. Even if it’s simply that in giving you feedback they’re helping you understand more about how you’re behavior impacts them.

Assume that underneath their emotionality and unskillful words – there’s much of value for you to learn. They’re offering those learning to you.

Maybe not in the most elegant package. But, they’re offering it nonetheless.

Appreciate their willingness to let you know about the how you’re impacting them. Appreciate the courage it may have taken to bring this to you. Appreciate that they don’t want to keep you in the dark. That they want to make things better.

Attuning to their positive intentions allows you to discern the useful information and ignore the emotional noise (that could trigger your own allergic response).

3) Trim the fat

Most people don’t know how to present feedback – particularly critical feedback – skillfully. They come to the conversation upset, overwhelmed, nervous, anxious. So their delivery may not be clear, focused, or easy to understand.

They say things like:

• “You’re not a team player.”
• “You’re too aggressive.”

This kind of feedback is loaded with fat words. Fat words have many layers of meaning. Fat words are not specific.

To make behavioral shifts that will create more positive assessments, you need to trim the fat off these statements. You need to get down to more specific, behavior descriptions.

You do this by honing in on a specific example, a triggering incident where you behaved in ways that created the “negative” assessment.

Ask:

• “Tell me about a time when I wasn’t being a team player – what do I do or say?”
• “Give me an example of when I’m being too aggressive – what do I do or say?”

When asking these kinds of fat-trimming questions – be genuinely curious. Seek to connect the dots between your specific behaviors and their assessments and reactions.

4) Check your intentions

As you learn more about the things you do and say that have been creating “negative” assessments in others – reflect on your own intentions.

Go back to the triggering event. Reflect on:

• What is it that you were thinking and feeling at the time?
• Were you emotionally reactive?
• What goals were you focused on achieving?
• How aware were you of the impact you were having on others – at that moment?

Most often, when your behaviors are triggering negative responses in others, you’re being emotionally reactive yourself. Check it out.

Reflect on the connection between your internal emotional state, your actions – and others reactions to you. This will give you deeper insight into how you can act with personal integrity – while creating assessments in others that strengthen relationships and achieve important goals.

5) Generate Options

Once you understand the specific actions that have been creating negative assessments, engage the other person in defining new behavioral choices.

Ask questions like:

• “If I were acting like a team player – what would I do and say?”
• “What are ways of acting and speaking that you’d appreciate non-aggressive?”

At this point, you’re interested in defining, in as lean terms as possible, the kinds of behaviors that will shift the other person’s assessment.

There are lots of options. So, use this stage of the feedback process to brainstorm. Offer suggestions. Get their response. Make this a fun, collaborative process.

6) Test Drive the New Behaviors

Once you have a sense of the kinds of behaviors that the other person is asking for – take them for a test drive.

You don’t need to wait for a future event to arise. You can test drive the new behaviors right in the moment – using a scenario process.

Think of a likely scenario, a future situation – one that’s challenging. Imagine a situation that would typically cause emotions, reactions, and tensions to arise. Make it dicey. Then describe the likely scenario and include new ways in which you intend to act and interact (ways that reflect what you learned when you were generating options).

Ask:

• “If I were to act like that, how would that work?”

Get their feedback. Together discuss ways that you might fine-tune your behavior to make it even more effective.

7) Agree to learn your way forward (together)

Make your commitment to follow-through – to practice the new behaviors. Ask for their support and commitment to keep giving your feedback.

Restate your appreciation for their willingness to bring you this tough feedback. And reinforce the importance of on-going dialogue. Don’t promise perfection. Rather, ask for support and feedback if you start to “slip into old ways”.

Using these seven steps to eliminate feedback allergies so that the next time some one brings you critical feedback – it will be as sweet to you as a blooming rose.

Click here to view the embedded video.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

– C.G. Jung

Everyone has a shadow.

A part of the psyche, the soul, that is unacknowledged, disowned, and unaccepted.

You can’t really get rid of the shadow. But, you can deny it. This denial causes those disowned aspects of the self to appear “out there” in the world and particularly in other people. Those qualities that you react to most strongly in others – both weaknesses and strengths – are clues to what lies within your own shadow.

Who is a person that triggers strong emotional reactions in you?

What is it about this person that you “can’t stand”? How are you like that?

Or that you “deeply admire”? How are you like that?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Here’s a check list to help you become a better student of your inner obstacles.
Think about a current “learning edge” challenge. A situation where outer challenges and inner challenges meet. One that tends to push your buttons and activate your reactivity.
Then, review the list below and notice which of the phrases most closely reflects your reactive patterns.

Inner Obstacles List

Safety
“Stay out of trouble.”
• Play it safe
• Keep a low profile
• Remain quiet in meetings
• Hesitate to make decisions.
• Avoid taking a public stand
• Shift responsibilities either up or down the organization.
• Criticize others from a distance

Approval
“Peace at any price.”
• Say “yes” when you want to say “no”
• Be a “do gooder”.
• Play by the rules.
• Act to please others.
• Look the other way when things go wrong.
• Smooth over conflict and controversy.
• Delay action until it is clear what others’ need or want.

Control
“Winning isn’t everything – it is the only thing.”

• Seek to “win”, be better than others – even perfect.
• Become angry, irritable, defensive when challenged.
• Tend to make sarcastic comments.
• Fear failure.
• Limit communication to what others “need to know”.
• Become upset by minor imperfections in work output.
• Delegate with lots of detail – micromanage.

Which Inner Obstacles are you most familiar with?

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How do these Inner Obstacles impact you and those you work with?

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Imagine a room filled with pianos. You go up to one piano and play a “C” chord. As you strike the keys the sound fills the room. Your piano is vibrating “C”. But, it’s not alone. If you look inside all the other pianos, you find that they too are vibrating a “C” chord. You didn’t have to touch their keys. Because, all the “C” strings on all the pianos in the room are humming in sympathetic resonance.

Your nervous system is “wired” like a piano.

Your nervous system is wired for sympathetic resonance. Like a piano, your “inner strings” vibrate in resonance with the emotional states of those around you. You’re highly attuned to the emotional chords that are vibrating around you. The same goes for all the people you interact with at work and at home. Everyone is in sympathetic resonance with each other.

Your nervous system is always vibrating in response to the emotional “chords” around you.

It’s an innate capacity, part of your evolutionary inheritance. You don’t have to develop this sympathetic resonance. It’s built in and for the most part operates unconsciously.

In other words, your emotions aren’t strictly personal.

Your emotions are activated and shaped by the emotional climate around you. And the less you are aware of how the emotional climate is influencing you – the more it controls your moods, thoughts, and actions.

Another word for emotional climate is culture.

The collective emotional climate of your workplace, team, and family is its culture.  Culture is the emotional climate – of engagement or despair, energy or cynicism, love or fear – that determines how people will think, communicate, and take action together.

If you improve, enhance, harmonize the emotional climate – you transform a team, family, or organization. But, how can you influence the emotional climate or culture in which you are immersed?

You influence culture by choosing your “chord”

Rather than acting only as a passive responder to the emotions that are vibrating around you, actively generate a feeling tone of your choosing. This takes awareness and practice.

Start with awareness.

Pay attention to the ways in which your nervous system responds to the emotional chords around you.

When you’re in a meeting or conversation with people who are anxious – be aware of your nervous system’s sympathetic resonance. How does anxiety show up in your body? Where is it located? Pay attention to the shifting emotional resonance within your body as it responds to the emotional climate around you. Do this with the attitude of an interested observer.

Your nervous system will provide you with precise information about the emotional climate – the culture – around you.

As the mood of the meeting shifts, so too will the state of your nervous system. Be aware of the shifts without identifying with them. Notice how your nervous system calibrates to the subtle emotional changes. And don’t personalize what you’re feeling.

Consciously sense the sympathetic resonance without identifying the emotions as “me”. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get swept away. But, do be aware. The emotions resonating through your nervous system provide you with information about the inner mood of the group, team, and people you are surrounded by. Once you are aware of the underlying emotional chord surrounding you, you’re ready to start intentionally generating a feeling tone of your choosing.

How do you generate a feeling tone?

First determine what’s needed or missing in the culture you’re immersed in.

Ask yourself:

• What feeling is needed in this meeting, conversation, culture, right now?
• What feeling tone that is missing in this conversation, meeting, team, or culture?

Trust your immediate response.

These aren’t analytical questions. You don’t have to think hard to figure out what’s needed. Just let your nervous system provide the answer. Don’t over think this part of the process.

When you are aware of what’s needed or missing – begin generating that feeling tone within your own mind/body. Take the emotional lead to resonate a new feeling tone into the culture.

Strike your “chord” knowing that the other bodies in the room will respond – it’s how they’re wired!

Here are the four steps to generating an intentional feeling tone:

Let’s say that you want to bring the feeling of “trust” into the room, conversation, culture.

1) Shift your attention inward.

First, bring your attention from the outer environment into your body. Feel your body and the natural rhythm of your breath.

Note: You can do this all with your eyes open without assuming any special posture or position. This is a real-time meditation that you can do this during any meeting or conversation.

2) Activate a “feeling tone” memory.

Recall a time in your life when you experienced deep trust. This memory can be from any time in your life and any context. Just recall that time in a way that brings it alive in your nervous system.

3) Breathe it in.

When you have that memory actively  in mind – take a comfortable, slow, long in-breath. As your breath flows into your body, mentally say the word “trust”. Feel the quality of “trust” entering your body through the breath.

4) Let it spread and circulate.

As you exhale sense the feeling tone of “trust” spreading through your nervous system. Feel it flowing down your arms and legs and traveling up and down your spine.

Repeat these two steps – connecting to the feeling tone “trust” as you inhale and letting that quality spread through your nervous system as you exhale. Infuse your whole body with the feeling chord of your choosing.

Enjoy knowing that you are contributing to the transformation and enhancement of the culture – through infusing it with this positive emotional tone.

Remember, you don’t have to say or do anything overtly dramatic to activate the mechanism of sympathetic resonance.

The inner shifts that you make within your consciousness are powerful. Other peoples’ nervous systems feel the difference. Even if they don’t exactly know why.

Let the feeling tone that you’re feeling infuse your thoughts, words, and actions.

When it’s time for you to speak and act, allow your words and actions to arise naturally from the inner state that you’ve chosen.

You don’t have to be a passive piano – vibrating to the emotions of others. You can influence the culture you’re part of by striking an inner chord and letting sympathetic resonance do the rest.

Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Several years ago, my son’s friend Torrey Meister was visiting from Hawaii. He had this novelty item:  Big Mouth Billy, a foot-long bass attached to a faux wooden plaque.

Like something a fisherman might mount on the wall. Except this trout could sing.

There was a button on the plaque.

When you pushed the button, the fish wagged its tail opened its mouth to sing, “Take me to the river . . . ” At first it was funny to watch the mechanical fish and groove along with the song. But, soon it was boring, tiring and irritating. We’re all a bit like that plastic fish.

We’ve all got buttons.

Not red plastic ones. Human buttons are psychological and emotional. And unlike the plastic fish, which had one button, humans have many.

Each button is linked to a pattern of thought, emotion, speech, and action.

When one of your buttons gets pushed, rather than sing, “Take me to the river . . . “, you launch into your own equally repetitive pattern. You’re not alone in this. Everyone you work with has buttons. But, if you’re in a leadership role – a boss role – everyone knows about your buttons.

People pay attention to the boss’s buttons.

They avoid bringing up topics (no matter how important) or sharing information (no matter how relevant) that push those buttons. Because, they know what will happen when a button gets pushed – that you’ll react, mechanically, and predictably. And they’re tired of that song.

So, rather than deal with the reactivity that invariably follows a button pushing, they withhold their ideas, avoid the issues, and suppress their opinions.

If you want to exercise leadership – you can’t afford to ignore your own buttons.

You need to become a better student of your own buttons: what pushes them and what happens when they’re pushed.

The less you know about your buttons, the more frequently they will be pushed.

If you don’t know what your buttons are, and how you react when they’re pushed, rest assured, they are being pushed more often than you can imagine.

And remember, the more frequently your buttons are pushed, the more mechanical, reactive, and predictable you become. And, the less capable you are of having rich, creative, and transforming conversations. Because you can’t have a breakthrough conversation when you’re in mechanical mode.

Whenever one of your buttons gets pushed – a reactive pattern kicks into gear.

Not a random reactive pattern – a specific one. Because reactive patterns aren’t inventive, they’re repetitive, mechanical. When you’re in the grips of a reactive pattern you will think the thoughts, feel the emotions, speak the words, and engage in the behaviors that constitute that reactive pattern.

The reactive pattern is in the drivers seat.

You’re a passenger – passive at best, unaware at worst – while the reactive pattern drives on.

And you’re reactivity triggers reactivity in others.

It’s how we’re neurologically wired. It’s human nature. When an important (powerful) person in your world goes reactive, most people around him/her will also react. It’s like a domino effect. One person’s reactivity precipitates a chorus of reactivity.

Of course, the reverse is also true.

As you unwire your own reactivity buttons and maintain a state of balanced (or semi-balanced) presence, you trigger complementary states of balance in others. So, how do you unwire your buttons?

You unwire your buttons – by becoming a student of your own reactivity.

Remember, it’s not a question of whether or not you’re reactive. It’s a question of how you’re reactive. Everyone is, even when (especially when) they don’t know it.

What’s pushing your buttons these days?

Reactivity buttons can be pushed when you’re:

• Losing control
• Fighting to win
• Fending off attacks
• Seeking approval
• Defending your position
• Delivering bad news
• Receiving bad news

(Note: this is not a complete list. It’s meant to spark your awareness.)

What are relationships or situations that fit the above criteria? What other relationships or situations are currently pushing your buttons?

You can’t work on your reactivity buttons while your being reactive.

Because when you’re in the grip of a reactive pattern, you’re not capable of self-reflection. Reactivity can’t turn around and see itself. Reactivity is automatic, unconscious action, like the singing of a plastic fish.

So, you need to make time – when you’re not reactive – to learn more about your red buttons.

Time to bring the situation gently to mind. And notice your reactions.

Here’s how:

Start by gently bringing the triggering situation/relationship/issue to mind. Don’t dive into thinking about the situation. Just glance at it. Touch it lightly – in your mind. Just enough to trigger the mildest reaction. You don’t want to completely press the red button. You just want to nudge it.

Even tickling your red button will stimulate some reactive tension.

If you’re not paying attention this little hint of tension can precipitate a full-fledged reactivity attack. So, be aware. Keep breathing. And notice the mind’s tendency to start thinking about the person/issue/situation. To replay the drama – in all it’s emotional glory.

It’s exactly at this point – when the reactive drama is about to kick in – that you can unwire your button.

You do this by applying a simple meditative technique.

Step 1: Gently bring the triggering situation to mind

Step 2: Notice where the tension starts in your body.

Step 3: Be aware of the mind’s tendency to start replaying the drama: to think about the issue, mentally re-run the events, imagine what you could/would/should do etc.

Step 4: Let go of the drama. Withdraw your attention from the thinking. And focus only on the bodily sensations.

Step 5: Keep breathing and attend to the bodily sensations that are associated with the situation.

Step 6: Whenever your attention wanders into the drama (the thinking, remembering, planning, etc), bring it back to your body. Breathe and enjoy noticing how the sensations change on their own. The idea is not to suppress the sensations – BUT also not to let them carry you away into mental drama.

Step 7: When you feel a shift in the sensations – take three more slow breaths and then sit quietly for a moment. Notice the over-all feeling in your body.

What does this accomplish?

By practicing this meditation – over time – you become an informed student of your own reactive patterns. You are able to intercept the reactivity at the bodily level – because you know exactly what it feels like. And you develop the capacity to not become carried away by your own reactivity. You simply notice,  “Ah, there’s that tension, “ and you breathe.

You are able to feel the impulse of reactivity without responding.

You witness the pattern at the bodily level. And let go of the mental drama. The more often you do this in the comfort of your own home or office – at times when you’re not reactive – the more quickly you unwire your buttons.

And then, when difficult situations arise in your life and work, you’re able to meet them with balanced awareness and creativity. Not like a plastic fish.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Learning edges come in different forms.

They are always, however, the place where inner & outer challenges meet.

Your learning edges are really invitations to step more deeply into life. And this isn’t some abstraction. It’s not a lofty ideal.

Crossing your learning edge is grounded as deeply in everyday circumstances as it is in your soul.

So, crossing your learning edge might mean:

• Making a phone call you have been putting off
• Talking to your boss about what you really need
• Accepting responsibility for your contribution to a problem
• Taking a risk that moves you towards the work that matters
• Having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you have resented.

When you look at other people poised with sweaty palms at their learning edge, you may think: “It’s simple, just step forward.”

But, this is because they’re inner challenge isn’t yours. The outer requirements of the learning edge, while possibly complicated, are rarely what hold us back. It is the inner tensions, the inner conflicts, the inner stories that give us pause.

That’s why, poised at your learning edge you may decide to wait for a better time to step over.

Waiting for this better moment can be a long, long, wait.

Because, life conditions – at work and in your personal life – are always in flux. The right moment, the safe, clear, certain moment is a construct that constrains movement. When you look out at your situation, there’s always something that could be a little clearer, a little safer, a little more certain.

It’s always in the midst of life’s not-quite-rightness that you step forward.

It’s within the unsatisfactory and unsettled conditions that you move across your learning edge.

Hey, it’s called “learning” for a reason – because you’re learning how to be more courageous, congruent, clear, and compassionate. If you wait for an unambiguous signal from the world – it will rarely appear.

As long as you’re poised on the safe side of your learning edge, the world will always present a mixed message – both “welcome” and “stay back”.

The mixed and broken nature of the world is your invitation to leadership.

You can’t wait until you feel more together because this will never happen on the safe side of your learning edge. Although your first steps may be clumsy, without finesse or grace, you step forward nonetheless.  It’s your own unfinished nature, your own not-quite-rightness with which you act.

The incompleteness of the world and your own incompleteness fit each other.

Your need for wholeness and the world’s need for service complete each other.

Take that step.

And let me know what you learn.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The concept of terroir suggests that the wine, the vegetables, even the meat grown in a specific region will have the taste of that region’s soil.

The discerning palate can distinguish the unique flavors, can taste the dirt, the good earth, from which that wine or wheat has sprung.

Even when the vegetable has been cooked and seasoned – the taste of the soil is present. Even when the wheat has been crushed and baked – the discerning palate can taste the good earth in which it grew.

The same principle applies to human communication.

Consider this: Behind every action and communication is a positive intent. Quite a concept! When I first heard this idea, I was stunned. But, I have discovered how useful an idea this is in my work with thousands of leaders and managers.

Just as an untrained palate cannot taste the good earth in a piece of bread, the untrained mind cannot discern the positive intention behind every action or communication. It’s particularly challenging when the person you’re interacting with is emotional, antagonistic, and challenging.

Their emotionality tends to trigger your emotionality.

Their reactivity tends to aggravate your reactivity. Their strongly held opinions tend to strengthen your own point of view.

It’s a natural, neurological reaction.

Modern neuroscience points out that our brains are highly responsive to others emotions. When important or powerful people around us are in a highly emotional state, it tends to evoke a complementary state in us. In short, their anger ignites your anger.

It takes a trained mind to stay balanced, present, and focused in the presence of reactivity.

A trained mind is a mind of equanimity. This is a mind that is able to receive others emotionality without being overwhelmed. Such a mind can move deeper than the surface presentation (no matter how dramatic) and “taste the good earth”, discern the positive intentions that lie at the heart of the other person’s soul. And in so doing begin to evoke that state of goodness from the other person.

The trained mind is a strong mind.

It is strongly rooted in its own good earth. Strongly connected to a place of inner authority and inner peace. It is strong enough to not need to defend and thus rather than amplify the emotionality that is already present, such a mind infuses the situation with mindful presence.

How do you develop such a mind?

By taking time each day to return to the good earth within. You do this by incorporating a regular (daily) practice of meditation into your schedule.

By regularly returning to the good earth – the Ground of Being – within, your mind naturally begins to rest more and more in inner stability.

Thus, when conditions around you become unstable, rather than react, you can meet these conditions openly and without defense. This allows you to taste the good earth, the positive intentions in others. Then every moment becomes a sacred meal – a way to receive and share nourishment as you create what matters most in your life. Bon Appetit!!