Imagine walking through a rose garden. The flowers in full bloom. The warm air rich with floral perfume.

Are you smiling or sneezing?

It depends on your immune system. Some people’s immune systems defend against roses. Put them in a rose garden and their immune system goes into full defense mode. They don’t inhale the beautiful perfume. They sneeze, tear, and wheeze.

Their immune system detects the rose scent as a threat, an alien invader to be kept out of the body at all costs.

Most people have the same reaction to feedback.

After 25 years of working with thousands of people in organizations of all kinds, it’s clear to me that most people are allergic to feedback. Particularly critical feedback.

The degree of allergic reactions varies.

Some people have full-blown allergies. They can’t take even the hint of critical feedback. It throws them into full defensive mode. Others are just mildly allergic. After an initial defensive reaction, they’re able to take in, absorb, and benefit from critical feedback.

What causes this allergic reaction?

Physically the immune system is designed to identify and destroy alien elements that threaten your bodily health. But, when your immune system makes a mistake – and interprets a harmless (or even beneficial) substance as a threat – you have an allergic response. It’s your body’s over-blown defensive reaction, not the “allergen” that makes you sick.

The same pattern operates on the psychological level.

While feedback isn’t life threatening, psychologically, critical feedback can feel like it’s threatening your:

• Reputation
• Safety
• Competence

In short, feedback can threaten you identity.

And so your mental/emotional defense mechanisms kick into gear – to reject the feedback.

“Allergic” responses to feedback include:

• Rationalizing
• Explaining
• Devaluing
• Arguing.

These are all strategies to protect you from the perceived threat and to eliminate the unwelcome feedback.

But, being allergic to feedback is a mistake.

Defending against feedback – even when it’s presented unskillfully -undermines relationships, limits learning, and restrains your development.

You can’t really control how other people will give you feedback. But, you can learn to minimize your allergic response so you can strengthen relationships, maximize learning, and accelerate your development.

Here are seven steps to eliminating feedback allergies:

1) Recognize the power of your influence

One of the most common ways of defending against critical feedback is to define it as “just their perception”. There’s some truth in this, of course. If they’re offering you the feedback, it is their perception.

But, what shaped, triggered, created that perception? You did.

Rather than think of their feedback as “just their perception”, realize that their assessment of you is something you created. Recognize the power of your influence. You may not like the assessment you’ve created. But, you can claim the power of your influence, nonetheless.

This shift is powerful. It situates you not as a victim of other’s (distorted) perception, but as an influencer, a creator of others’ responses and assessments. From this foundation, you can choose to change the ways you act and interact – in order to re-shape others’ assessments in ways that reflect your values and goals.

2) Appreciate their positive intentions

Even if the person giving you feedback is yelling and screaming – don’t be thrown into an allergic reaction by their words, tone of voice, facial expression. (This is not easy. But it is necessary.) Rather, tune into their positive intentions. Even if it’s simply that in giving you feedback they’re helping you understand more about how you’re behavior impacts them.

Assume that underneath their emotionality and unskillful words – there’s much of value for you to learn. They’re offering those learning to you.

Maybe not in the most elegant package. But, they’re offering it nonetheless.

Appreciate their willingness to let you know about the how you’re impacting them. Appreciate the courage it may have taken to bring this to you. Appreciate that they don’t want to keep you in the dark. That they want to make things better.

Attuning to their positive intentions allows you to discern the useful information and ignore the emotional noise (that could trigger your own allergic response).

3) Trim the fat

Most people don’t know how to present feedback – particularly critical feedback – skillfully. They come to the conversation upset, overwhelmed, nervous, anxious. So their delivery may not be clear, focused, or easy to understand.

They say things like:

• “You’re not a team player.”
• “You’re too aggressive.”

This kind of feedback is loaded with fat words. Fat words have many layers of meaning. Fat words are not specific.

To make behavioral shifts that will create more positive assessments, you need to trim the fat off these statements. You need to get down to more specific, behavior descriptions.

You do this by honing in on a specific example, a triggering incident where you behaved in ways that created the “negative” assessment.

Ask:

• “Tell me about a time when I wasn’t being a team player – what do I do or say?”
• “Give me an example of when I’m being too aggressive – what do I do or say?”

When asking these kinds of fat-trimming questions – be genuinely curious. Seek to connect the dots between your specific behaviors and their assessments and reactions.

4) Check your intentions

As you learn more about the things you do and say that have been creating “negative” assessments in others – reflect on your own intentions.

Go back to the triggering event. Reflect on:

• What is it that you were thinking and feeling at the time?
• Were you emotionally reactive?
• What goals were you focused on achieving?
• How aware were you of the impact you were having on others – at that moment?

Most often, when your behaviors are triggering negative responses in others, you’re being emotionally reactive yourself. Check it out.

Reflect on the connection between your internal emotional state, your actions – and others reactions to you. This will give you deeper insight into how you can act with personal integrity – while creating assessments in others that strengthen relationships and achieve important goals.

5) Generate Options

Once you understand the specific actions that have been creating negative assessments, engage the other person in defining new behavioral choices.

Ask questions like:

• “If I were acting like a team player – what would I do and say?”
• “What are ways of acting and speaking that you’d appreciate non-aggressive?”

At this point, you’re interested in defining, in as lean terms as possible, the kinds of behaviors that will shift the other person’s assessment.

There are lots of options. So, use this stage of the feedback process to brainstorm. Offer suggestions. Get their response. Make this a fun, collaborative process.

6) Test Drive the New Behaviors

Once you have a sense of the kinds of behaviors that the other person is asking for – take them for a test drive.

You don’t need to wait for a future event to arise. You can test drive the new behaviors right in the moment – using a scenario process.

Think of a likely scenario, a future situation – one that’s challenging. Imagine a situation that would typically cause emotions, reactions, and tensions to arise. Make it dicey. Then describe the likely scenario and include new ways in which you intend to act and interact (ways that reflect what you learned when you were generating options).

Ask:

• “If I were to act like that, how would that work?”

Get their feedback. Together discuss ways that you might fine-tune your behavior to make it even more effective.

7) Agree to learn your way forward (together)

Make your commitment to follow-through – to practice the new behaviors. Ask for their support and commitment to keep giving your feedback.

Restate your appreciation for their willingness to bring you this tough feedback. And reinforce the importance of on-going dialogue. Don’t promise perfection. Rather, ask for support and feedback if you start to “slip into old ways”.

Using these seven steps to eliminate feedback allergies so that the next time some one brings you critical feedback – it will be as sweet to you as a blooming rose.

Click here to view the embedded video.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

– C.G. Jung

Everyone has a shadow.

A part of the psyche, the soul, that is unacknowledged, disowned, and unaccepted.

You can’t really get rid of the shadow. But, you can deny it. This denial causes those disowned aspects of the self to appear “out there” in the world and particularly in other people. Those qualities that you react to most strongly in others – both weaknesses and strengths – are clues to what lies within your own shadow.

Who is a person that triggers strong emotional reactions in you?

What is it about this person that you “can’t stand”? How are you like that?

Or that you “deeply admire”? How are you like that?

Click here to view the embedded video.

My friend Gary Winters, besides being a great leadership coach, is a talented keyboard player. Though this is not through any fault of his own.

“My parent’s forced me to take lessons and practice,” Gary told me. “I fought them tooth and nail. I would rail against what they were doing ‘to’ me.”

Now, he’s grateful. When he sits down at the keyboard to play, he thinks fondly of what his parent’s did ‘for’ him. This is often the nature of a “developmental opportunity”.

What is a developmental opportunity?

It’s a situation, relationship, condition that puts pressure on you to develop your:

• Skills – so you can take more powerful, courageous actions in the world
• Character – so you can more completely and authentically express your gifts
• Consciousness – so you can resolve obstacles in ways that promote greater personal integration and collective solidarity

It’s an experience that comes into your life unbidden (at least as far as your conscious mind is concerned). It pushes, challenges, and causes you to grow in ways that you never anticipated. It’s a full court press that corners your soul and demands that you dig deep to bring forth untapped resources and unexpressed ways of being in the world.

While it’s happening, a developmental opportunity causes more gnashing of teeth and shedding of tears – than outpourings of gratitude.

It feels like a problem that you want to make go away (like parents forcing you to sit at the piano during summer vacation). While it’s happening it will feel like it’s happening to you. But, when you’re through it – you’ll see that it was happening for you.

It’s only when you’re on the tail end of the process, when the learnings have been integrated, that you’re able to appreciate and recognize the value you’ve gained.

My question is . . . why wait?

Why wait until the end of the process to appreciate it? Why grit your teeth and struggle through, when you could, with a bit more clarity, move through the developmental process with greater ease?

You don’t need positive thinking to accomplish this move.

You simply need to change your perspective from seeing what is happening to you in order to see what is happening for you.

Here’s  how:

Complete this exercise:

1) Identify your developmental opportunity:

2) Complete these phrases:

This  is happening for me so that I can develop the courage to . . .

And develop the skills to . . .

Now, take a breath.

And feel this shift from the even happening to you – to it happening for you.

• What are you aware of now?
• What’s a simple way to take action from this new perspective?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Here’s a check list to help you become a better student of your inner obstacles.
Think about a current “learning edge” challenge. A situation where outer challenges and inner challenges meet. One that tends to push your buttons and activate your reactivity.
Then, review the list below and notice which of the phrases most closely reflects your reactive patterns.

Inner Obstacles List

Safety
“Stay out of trouble.”
• Play it safe
• Keep a low profile
• Remain quiet in meetings
• Hesitate to make decisions.
• Avoid taking a public stand
• Shift responsibilities either up or down the organization.
• Criticize others from a distance

Approval
“Peace at any price.”
• Say “yes” when you want to say “no”
• Be a “do gooder”.
• Play by the rules.
• Act to please others.
• Look the other way when things go wrong.
• Smooth over conflict and controversy.
• Delay action until it is clear what others’ need or want.

Control
“Winning isn’t everything – it is the only thing.”

• Seek to “win”, be better than others – even perfect.
• Become angry, irritable, defensive when challenged.
• Tend to make sarcastic comments.
• Fear failure.
• Limit communication to what others “need to know”.
• Become upset by minor imperfections in work output.
• Delegate with lots of detail – micromanage.

Which Inner Obstacles are you most familiar with?

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How do these Inner Obstacles impact you and those you work with?

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Imagine a room filled with pianos. You go up to one piano and play a “C” chord. As you strike the keys the sound fills the room. Your piano is vibrating “C”. But, it’s not alone. If you look inside all the other pianos, you find that they too are vibrating a “C” chord. You didn’t have to touch their keys. Because, all the “C” strings on all the pianos in the room are humming in sympathetic resonance.

Your nervous system is “wired” like a piano.

Your nervous system is wired for sympathetic resonance. Like a piano, your “inner strings” vibrate in resonance with the emotional states of those around you. You’re highly attuned to the emotional chords that are vibrating around you. The same goes for all the people you interact with at work and at home. Everyone is in sympathetic resonance with each other.

Your nervous system is always vibrating in response to the emotional “chords” around you.

It’s an innate capacity, part of your evolutionary inheritance. You don’t have to develop this sympathetic resonance. It’s built in and for the most part operates unconsciously.

In other words, your emotions aren’t strictly personal.

Your emotions are activated and shaped by the emotional climate around you. And the less you are aware of how the emotional climate is influencing you – the more it controls your moods, thoughts, and actions.

Another word for emotional climate is culture.

The collective emotional climate of your workplace, team, and family is its culture.  Culture is the emotional climate – of engagement or despair, energy or cynicism, love or fear – that determines how people will think, communicate, and take action together.

If you improve, enhance, harmonize the emotional climate – you transform a team, family, or organization. But, how can you influence the emotional climate or culture in which you are immersed?

You influence culture by choosing your “chord”

Rather than acting only as a passive responder to the emotions that are vibrating around you, actively generate a feeling tone of your choosing. This takes awareness and practice.

Start with awareness.

Pay attention to the ways in which your nervous system responds to the emotional chords around you.

When you’re in a meeting or conversation with people who are anxious – be aware of your nervous system’s sympathetic resonance. How does anxiety show up in your body? Where is it located? Pay attention to the shifting emotional resonance within your body as it responds to the emotional climate around you. Do this with the attitude of an interested observer.

Your nervous system will provide you with precise information about the emotional climate – the culture – around you.

As the mood of the meeting shifts, so too will the state of your nervous system. Be aware of the shifts without identifying with them. Notice how your nervous system calibrates to the subtle emotional changes. And don’t personalize what you’re feeling.

Consciously sense the sympathetic resonance without identifying the emotions as “me”. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get swept away. But, do be aware. The emotions resonating through your nervous system provide you with information about the inner mood of the group, team, and people you are surrounded by. Once you are aware of the underlying emotional chord surrounding you, you’re ready to start intentionally generating a feeling tone of your choosing.

How do you generate a feeling tone?

First determine what’s needed or missing in the culture you’re immersed in.

Ask yourself:

• What feeling is needed in this meeting, conversation, culture, right now?
• What feeling tone that is missing in this conversation, meeting, team, or culture?

Trust your immediate response.

These aren’t analytical questions. You don’t have to think hard to figure out what’s needed. Just let your nervous system provide the answer. Don’t over think this part of the process.

When you are aware of what’s needed or missing – begin generating that feeling tone within your own mind/body. Take the emotional lead to resonate a new feeling tone into the culture.

Strike your “chord” knowing that the other bodies in the room will respond – it’s how they’re wired!

Here are the four steps to generating an intentional feeling tone:

Let’s say that you want to bring the feeling of “trust” into the room, conversation, culture.

1) Shift your attention inward.

First, bring your attention from the outer environment into your body. Feel your body and the natural rhythm of your breath.

Note: You can do this all with your eyes open without assuming any special posture or position. This is a real-time meditation that you can do this during any meeting or conversation.

2) Activate a “feeling tone” memory.

Recall a time in your life when you experienced deep trust. This memory can be from any time in your life and any context. Just recall that time in a way that brings it alive in your nervous system.

3) Breathe it in.

When you have that memory actively  in mind – take a comfortable, slow, long in-breath. As your breath flows into your body, mentally say the word “trust”. Feel the quality of “trust” entering your body through the breath.

4) Let it spread and circulate.

As you exhale sense the feeling tone of “trust” spreading through your nervous system. Feel it flowing down your arms and legs and traveling up and down your spine.

Repeat these two steps – connecting to the feeling tone “trust” as you inhale and letting that quality spread through your nervous system as you exhale. Infuse your whole body with the feeling chord of your choosing.

Enjoy knowing that you are contributing to the transformation and enhancement of the culture – through infusing it with this positive emotional tone.

Remember, you don’t have to say or do anything overtly dramatic to activate the mechanism of sympathetic resonance.

The inner shifts that you make within your consciousness are powerful. Other peoples’ nervous systems feel the difference. Even if they don’t exactly know why.

Let the feeling tone that you’re feeling infuse your thoughts, words, and actions.

When it’s time for you to speak and act, allow your words and actions to arise naturally from the inner state that you’ve chosen.

You don’t have to be a passive piano – vibrating to the emotions of others. You can influence the culture you’re part of by striking an inner chord and letting sympathetic resonance do the rest.

Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Several years ago, my son’s friend Torrey Meister was visiting from Hawaii. He had this novelty item:  Big Mouth Billy, a foot-long bass attached to a faux wooden plaque.

Like something a fisherman might mount on the wall. Except this trout could sing.

There was a button on the plaque.

When you pushed the button, the fish wagged its tail opened its mouth to sing, “Take me to the river . . . ” At first it was funny to watch the mechanical fish and groove along with the song. But, soon it was boring, tiring and irritating. We’re all a bit like that plastic fish.

We’ve all got buttons.

Not red plastic ones. Human buttons are psychological and emotional. And unlike the plastic fish, which had one button, humans have many.

Each button is linked to a pattern of thought, emotion, speech, and action.

When one of your buttons gets pushed, rather than sing, “Take me to the river . . . “, you launch into your own equally repetitive pattern. You’re not alone in this. Everyone you work with has buttons. But, if you’re in a leadership role – a boss role – everyone knows about your buttons.

People pay attention to the boss’s buttons.

They avoid bringing up topics (no matter how important) or sharing information (no matter how relevant) that push those buttons. Because, they know what will happen when a button gets pushed – that you’ll react, mechanically, and predictably. And they’re tired of that song.

So, rather than deal with the reactivity that invariably follows a button pushing, they withhold their ideas, avoid the issues, and suppress their opinions.

If you want to exercise leadership – you can’t afford to ignore your own buttons.

You need to become a better student of your own buttons: what pushes them and what happens when they’re pushed.

The less you know about your buttons, the more frequently they will be pushed.

If you don’t know what your buttons are, and how you react when they’re pushed, rest assured, they are being pushed more often than you can imagine.

And remember, the more frequently your buttons are pushed, the more mechanical, reactive, and predictable you become. And, the less capable you are of having rich, creative, and transforming conversations. Because you can’t have a breakthrough conversation when you’re in mechanical mode.

Whenever one of your buttons gets pushed – a reactive pattern kicks into gear.

Not a random reactive pattern – a specific one. Because reactive patterns aren’t inventive, they’re repetitive, mechanical. When you’re in the grips of a reactive pattern you will think the thoughts, feel the emotions, speak the words, and engage in the behaviors that constitute that reactive pattern.

The reactive pattern is in the drivers seat.

You’re a passenger – passive at best, unaware at worst – while the reactive pattern drives on.

And you’re reactivity triggers reactivity in others.

It’s how we’re neurologically wired. It’s human nature. When an important (powerful) person in your world goes reactive, most people around him/her will also react. It’s like a domino effect. One person’s reactivity precipitates a chorus of reactivity.

Of course, the reverse is also true.

As you unwire your own reactivity buttons and maintain a state of balanced (or semi-balanced) presence, you trigger complementary states of balance in others. So, how do you unwire your buttons?

You unwire your buttons – by becoming a student of your own reactivity.

Remember, it’s not a question of whether or not you’re reactive. It’s a question of how you’re reactive. Everyone is, even when (especially when) they don’t know it.

What’s pushing your buttons these days?

Reactivity buttons can be pushed when you’re:

• Losing control
• Fighting to win
• Fending off attacks
• Seeking approval
• Defending your position
• Delivering bad news
• Receiving bad news

(Note: this is not a complete list. It’s meant to spark your awareness.)

What are relationships or situations that fit the above criteria? What other relationships or situations are currently pushing your buttons?

You can’t work on your reactivity buttons while your being reactive.

Because when you’re in the grip of a reactive pattern, you’re not capable of self-reflection. Reactivity can’t turn around and see itself. Reactivity is automatic, unconscious action, like the singing of a plastic fish.

So, you need to make time – when you’re not reactive – to learn more about your red buttons.

Time to bring the situation gently to mind. And notice your reactions.

Here’s how:

Start by gently bringing the triggering situation/relationship/issue to mind. Don’t dive into thinking about the situation. Just glance at it. Touch it lightly – in your mind. Just enough to trigger the mildest reaction. You don’t want to completely press the red button. You just want to nudge it.

Even tickling your red button will stimulate some reactive tension.

If you’re not paying attention this little hint of tension can precipitate a full-fledged reactivity attack. So, be aware. Keep breathing. And notice the mind’s tendency to start thinking about the person/issue/situation. To replay the drama – in all it’s emotional glory.

It’s exactly at this point – when the reactive drama is about to kick in – that you can unwire your button.

You do this by applying a simple meditative technique.

Step 1: Gently bring the triggering situation to mind

Step 2: Notice where the tension starts in your body.

Step 3: Be aware of the mind’s tendency to start replaying the drama: to think about the issue, mentally re-run the events, imagine what you could/would/should do etc.

Step 4: Let go of the drama. Withdraw your attention from the thinking. And focus only on the bodily sensations.

Step 5: Keep breathing and attend to the bodily sensations that are associated with the situation.

Step 6: Whenever your attention wanders into the drama (the thinking, remembering, planning, etc), bring it back to your body. Breathe and enjoy noticing how the sensations change on their own. The idea is not to suppress the sensations – BUT also not to let them carry you away into mental drama.

Step 7: When you feel a shift in the sensations – take three more slow breaths and then sit quietly for a moment. Notice the over-all feeling in your body.

What does this accomplish?

By practicing this meditation – over time – you become an informed student of your own reactive patterns. You are able to intercept the reactivity at the bodily level – because you know exactly what it feels like. And you develop the capacity to not become carried away by your own reactivity. You simply notice,  “Ah, there’s that tension, “ and you breathe.

You are able to feel the impulse of reactivity without responding.

You witness the pattern at the bodily level. And let go of the mental drama. The more often you do this in the comfort of your own home or office – at times when you’re not reactive – the more quickly you unwire your buttons.

And then, when difficult situations arise in your life and work, you’re able to meet them with balanced awareness and creativity. Not like a plastic fish.

Before a rock band launches into a song, the drummer “counts them in”. That’s what it’s called when the drummer strikes his sticks together and grunts “One-and-Two-and . . .” He’s establishing the beat and kicking the song into gear.

Without that kick-start, the band would be floundering its way into the rhythm of the song.

That’s why you need to “count” yourself into your day – each morning.

You need a way to establish the rhythm of your day. To set the tempo and bring the day into focus before you launch yourself into action. You don’t need drum sticks to do this. You do it through a morning ritual.

Ritual may seem like a strange – even archaic – word.

But, you’ve performed rituals all your life. Whenever you’ve intentionally engaged in a practice in order to establish a new pattern of thought, speech, or action – you’ve been using the power of ritual.

Rituals are different from habits – those patterns of behavior that operate without intention or awareness.  A ritual is any intentional practice that you engage in to put your mind/body/spirit into alignment with – your values, your calling, and your life. Even with Life itself.

The root meaning of ritual – is from the Sanskrit rta meaning “order’

Practicing ritual is a way of bringing your life into order. Not obsessive, lint-picking order. Rather, ritual is a practice for aligning your daily life with the deep, creative, and purposeful direction of your life-as-a-whole.

Ritual is a way of pausing and realizing – this precious moment is part of your life and Life itself.

Through ritual you merge the current of your life stream into a larger current of meaning, purpose, and direction.

This moves you towards greater creativity, higher performance, and deeper fulfillment

Ritual is a way of liberating yourself from distractions, of grounding yourself in the sacred nature of your particular life story. Ritual situates your life’s joys and challenges in a broader – enriching – spiritual context.

Almost any activity can be converted into a ritual.

Even something as commonplace as a greeting can become a ritual. The intentionality you bring to the act of saying, “Good morning” to a colleague – turns what is typically an act of habit into a creative ritual.

Reflexively saying “Good morning” won’t enhance or deepen your relationship.

But saying “good morning” as a ritual can contribute to relationship building. Why? Because you infuse the simple act of greeting with awareness, intention, and creative power. You don’t have to be dramatic in what you do – simply mindful of why and how you are doing it.

The most powerful rituals are initiating rituals.
You know about the power (for good or ill) of first impressions, first dates etc. These “firsts” are initiating rituals that sent in motion a new arc of activity or a new relationship. It’s just like the drummer “counting in” the band. The way you start anything sets a tone, a tempo, a dynamic that tends to persist. Better to start in rhythm.

That’s why a morning ritual is so important.

Everyday can be a new beginning. A new arc of activity. An opportunity to realign the arc of your day with your life’s purpose and direction. Your morning ritual is a way of starting your day intentionally – with body, mind, and soul focused on creating what matters most.

So what is a morning ritual?

It’s a 30 – 60 minute sequence of practices for mind/body/spirit integration that sets the direction of your day. It’s a way of counting in your day, setting the tone and tempo – and grounding your awareness in a place of inner peace and creativity.

What are the elements of a morning ritual?

It involves three M’s:

1. Meditation – a practice of connecting to Spirit, your spiritual center, and the source of creativity within.
2. Movement – a practice for stretching and strengthening, and renewing the body – that is tailored to your physical condition and needs.
3. Mental Prep – a practice of identifying 3 high value actions (an idea I learned from Mark LeBlanc)  that will further your purpose – personally and professionally.

These three simple ingredients can be combined, customized, and tailored in ways that work for you.

How much time you spend on each element can vary depending on your needs at different times in your life. But, these three elements – meditation, movement, and mental preparation are key to a powerful morning ritual. Here’s an overview of each element (for more details – listen to the audios at the link at the end of this article)

Meditation

The practice of meditation quiets the mind, opens the heart, and connects you with an uncontrived, natural inner strength. Meditation increases clarity so that you are aware of outer events and inner states without being overwhelmed or compelled by either.

There are hundreds of ways to practice meditation. The spiritual traditions of the world are rich repositories of methods for steadying attention, stilling thought, and expanding awareness. If you are aligned with a particular spiritual tradition – turn to the great teachers and mystics of your faith. In their teachings you will find guidelines and techniques for developing meditative attention.

The key is to start practicing. Begin by making meditative silence and meditative stillness a part of your morning ritual. Make time every morning– even for only a few moments – to simply breathe and connect with a presence that transcends than your everyday mind.

Movement

The key to incorporating body movement and exercise into your morning ritual is mindfulness. Whatever exercise you choose – do it mindfully. In other words, don’t listen to the radio, TV or any other device. Just be present with the movements of your body and the rhythms of your breath. Let go of competition and striving – rather go deeply into the experience of your body as it works and warms up.

Mental Preparation

What is it that matters most in your work and life? What are three High Value Actions that you can take today to serve, realize, further that which matters most. Keep this process simple and focused. Notice if you think of actions that are highly valuable – but also scary. This is common. And a good sign that you’re onto something important. The most powerful actions are those that cause you to lean into your discomfort. Go for a few each week.

Create a morning ritual.

Because when you want to rock your life – it’s important to count yourself in every morning.

Let me know how this works for you. (And also – what doesn’t work, so we can customize the ritual more precisely).

Here’s a link to some audio tracks about

1. The morning ritual
2. Introduction to meditation
3. A guided meditation

Click here to view the embedded video.

Learning edges come in different forms.

They are always, however, the place where inner & outer challenges meet.

Your learning edges are really invitations to step more deeply into life. And this isn’t some abstraction. It’s not a lofty ideal.

Crossing your learning edge is grounded as deeply in everyday circumstances as it is in your soul.

So, crossing your learning edge might mean:

• Making a phone call you have been putting off
• Talking to your boss about what you really need
• Accepting responsibility for your contribution to a problem
• Taking a risk that moves you towards the work that matters
• Having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you have resented.

When you look at other people poised with sweaty palms at their learning edge, you may think: “It’s simple, just step forward.”

But, this is because they’re inner challenge isn’t yours. The outer requirements of the learning edge, while possibly complicated, are rarely what hold us back. It is the inner tensions, the inner conflicts, the inner stories that give us pause.

That’s why, poised at your learning edge you may decide to wait for a better time to step over.

Waiting for this better moment can be a long, long, wait.

Because, life conditions – at work and in your personal life – are always in flux. The right moment, the safe, clear, certain moment is a construct that constrains movement. When you look out at your situation, there’s always something that could be a little clearer, a little safer, a little more certain.

It’s always in the midst of life’s not-quite-rightness that you step forward.

It’s within the unsatisfactory and unsettled conditions that you move across your learning edge.

Hey, it’s called “learning” for a reason – because you’re learning how to be more courageous, congruent, clear, and compassionate. If you wait for an unambiguous signal from the world – it will rarely appear.

As long as you’re poised on the safe side of your learning edge, the world will always present a mixed message – both “welcome” and “stay back”.

The mixed and broken nature of the world is your invitation to leadership.

You can’t wait until you feel more together because this will never happen on the safe side of your learning edge. Although your first steps may be clumsy, without finesse or grace, you step forward nonetheless.  It’s your own unfinished nature, your own not-quite-rightness with which you act.

The incompleteness of the world and your own incompleteness fit each other.

Your need for wholeness and the world’s need for service complete each other.

Take that step.

And let me know what you learn.

I received this email from a coaching client:

“After our talk I have really been noticing how uncreative my workdays are. “

His comment reminded me of something my grandmother used to say – whenever I was complaining about life not going my way. She’d say, “The truth will set you free,” and then she’d pause before adding, “but first it will make you very uncomfortable.”

Then, she’d laugh.

I didn’t find her insight funny.

Though over the decades, I’ve come to appreciate it more and more. The pathway to greater freedom, creativity, and contribution often passes through Discomfort-ville.

So, if you want to be free of self-limiting patterns of thought, speech, or action – be prepared for the discomfort that comes from increased awareness.

It’s like an ad my son and I saw on T.V. the other night.

It was for some kind of facial hair removal device costing $14.95. And it came with a lighted mirror with 5 times the magnification power of a normal mirror. The whole idea of such an up-close and personal look at my facial pores and hairs sounded . . . well . . . uncomfortable.

It takes awareness to instigate substantive change.

Superficial changes can be implemented without awareness. Band-aid “solutions” can be applied to mask problems. Quick fixes can be instituted to in reaction to unsatisfactory results.

But, in short order, the illusory effects of “rearranging the deck chairs” wears off and you’re left to confront the harsh reality of a sinking ship.

The truth of your situation becomes clear in the light of awareness.

Such clarity, while liberating, can also be embarrassing, disappointing, upsetting, infuriating . . . and basically uncomfortable.

That’s why what happens next, is key to the transformation process.

The tendency is to spring into action.

Do to something, in this case, to make workdays more creative.

You might google “creativity at work” – to mine the insights, tips, and techniques awaiting you on the Internet. You could read an article or book on creative thinking at work; ask a coach or colleague for some ideas on how to get more creative.

In and of themselves, these aren’t bad moves.

It’s just that over focusing on tips and techniques can be a way of avoiding the deeper shifts needed to make substantive and sustainable changes. Deeper shifts rarely come from a list of tips or an instant technique.

Deeper shifts come through deepening awareness.

What I mean by deeper is really simply sustained awareness. Just spend more time paying attention to what is true, rather than seeking ways to fix the problem. Become a deeper, sustained, student of your own habits of mind/speech/body.

The more you truly see what you’re doing – the more clearly you’ll realize “what to do differently”.

New perceptions, new actions, new choices emerge as awareness infuses fully into your mind and body.

You don’t need to think of a new strategy – rather deepen your awareness of the ways in which your mind/body react habitually. When unconscious habits are infused with awareness, they naturally transform. Awareness is the secret to accelerating change.

One of my all-time favorite books on learning and leadership is a slim volume called Extraordinary Golf by Fred Shoemaker.

Now, I don’t play golf. But, his profound wisdom can be applied to any human activity.

Shoemaker points out that most golfers who come to his clinics and programs want to fix the problems in their game and get better. They say, according to Shoemaker, “There’s something wrong with my swing, and I must fix it.”

Shoemaker points out that in order to fix (change) something you have to be aware of it.

He asks rhetorically, “How can you correct what you’re doing when you don’t have any idea what you’re doing?”

It turns out that awareness itself – not techniques or tips – the catalyst of improvement & development.

Understanding this, Shoemaker writes, “The best way to become aware of what you are doing is not to fix it.”

I’d like to offer you that sentence again: “The best way to become aware of what you are doing is not to fix it.”

This is a huge idea. Notice your mind’s reaction to it. Don’t try to change your mind or argue with me. Just notice, be aware of what you’re mind is doing. (Good . . . now you’re already practicing this powerful method of transformative change.)

Premature fixing is a manipulation strategy designed to avoid the discomfort that awareness brings.

But, this very discomfort is the evidence that you’re on the right track. You’re on the track of being aware. So, instead of leaping into action, deepen your awareness. Stop looking for how to change and learn become more fully aware of what’s already present.

To adopt this awareness-based approach to change is counter cultural.

Most (all) of us have been raised in the “fix it”, problem-based culture where the dominant mindset is “find the problem and make it go away”.  The notion that awareness itself  – not techniques and action – will give rise to substantive change seems absurd. It begs the question – “How can I improve what’s wrong if I don’t fix it?”

This question can’t be satisfactorily answered within the framework of the “fix it” culture.

All you can do is notice, for yourself, the difference in results that comes from pursuing tips and techniques versus following the path of awareness.

One of the first things you’ll notice is that the problem-based mindset is fueled by a persistent sense of dis-satisfaction, driven by the perpetual quest for what’s wrong.

The awareness-based method doesn’t look for what’s wrong. Neither does it look for what’s right.

The awareness-based practice is grounded in a non-judgmental – yet highly discerning mindset.

Awareness is non-judgmental. It’s like sunlight – illuminating the roses and weeds equally. But, this is not to say that awareness is non-discriminating. Awareness illuminates what is true without judgment and allows you to make finer and deeper distinctions. Rather than being preoccupied with judgment, your attention is freed and can notice possibilities. Possibilities for new ways of thinking, speaking, and taking action.

Again, don’t be in a hurry for a solution.

Don’t rush towards an answer. Rather, rest in the awareness of what you’re actually doing.

For my client who is experiencing his days as “uncreative” the practice is to notice:

• What the experience of “uncreative” feels like in the body.
• What are the external conditions that trigger the experience of “uncreative”?
• What are the thoughts that immediately precede the experience of “uncreative”?
• When the mind determines that “I’m feeling uncreative” – what happens next? How does the mind react to this feeling?

You can substitute any other “negative” experience in the place of uncreative and try this for yourself.

Creativity is not a product of the fix-it mindset.

Neither is transformational change.

Creativity comes from a different, more appreciative, open, and even playful orientation. One that is interested, curious, and engaged in the moment to moment activities that are unfolding. The fastest path to creativity (and change) is to let go of the need to change and instead to cultivate awareness of what is true.

This takes getting used to.

Fortunately, people around the world have been working on ways to cultivate this kind non-judgmental, discerning awareness for thousands of years. You can too. The best way is to take time each day and to practice being fully aware. You can attend to your breathing – not trying to improve it, but simply deepening your awareness of the breathing mechanism as it operates.

You can do this while walking – attending to the movement of your limbs, the touch of your feet on the ground, the rhythm of your breath.

You can cultivate awareness while performing any simple manual task.

Washing dishes, chopping vegetables, pressing the elevator button, brushing your teeth, and folding clothing are good examples.

By cultivating awareness in activities that are simple and “unimportant” – you build your capacity to practice awareness-based change with behaviors, habits, and situations that are more “important” and demanding.

You’ll see the truth and it will, in it’s own time, reveal the path to freedom. Of course, it will probably make you uncomfortable first.

And my grandmother will still be laughing.

• What do you think about problem-based versus awareness-based change?
• What’s your experience with awareness-based change?
• Where might you start experimenting with this approach?

There’s a piece of flagstone in our backyard that’s loose. It sticks up just enough so that, if you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to stub a toe.

So, everyone in my family’s learned to walk around it. We zig-zag across the yard avoiding the offending bit of flagstone and keep our toes safe. This zig-zagging kind of works. Our toes don’t stub. But, of course, the flagstone isn’t getting addressed.

We often do similar zig-zagging in the workplace.

When there’s a problem, or a situation, that you’ve tried to address in the past – but it didn’t work out. You got your toe stubbed. You got reprimanded. You got shut down. Put off. Ignored. Rebuffed. Stonewalled.

And after a few more attempts – you’re zig-zagging around the issue (and the person).

The zig-zagging kind of works.

At least you’re not stubbing your toes, butting heads, and getting into unproductive debates. But, it also doesn’t work. Because zig-zagging around tough issues cost a lot – personally and organizationally.

What are the costs of zig-zagging around tough issues?

Zig-zagging costs time, money, and emotional resources.

On a personal level, when you avoid difficult (and important) conversations, it eats away at your own sense of integrity and aliveness. Because, you’re abandoning – or at least under-expressing – your core values. And your connection to your core values is at the heart of your sense of passion and purpose at work. When you’re connected to your core values – you feel a natural sense of “rightness” and aliveness.

When you’re disconnected from core values it hurts – at a gut or soul level.

This inner disconnection saps your energy and distorts your vision of what’s possible. As the poet, David Whyte, write:

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

I would add, with sincere apologies to the poet, that when your eyes are angry, the world is combative; when your eyes are fearful, the world is threatening. When you lose the line of sight that aligns your core values with your daily action – work becomes dry, mechanical, and meaningless.

At a cultural level, zig-zagging to avoid tough conversations undermines morale and trust.

Relationships become ritualized rather than real. Meetings become carefully choreographed to avoid the volatile subjects – and as a result all the creative energy is sucked out of the room.

The impact culturally is similar to what occurs to the individual soul.

But, now it’s the corporate or team soul that suffers. Morale deteriorates. People become cynical. A cloud of helplessness obscures the sunlight of passion and creativity. Dysfunctional behaviors go unaddressed. System issues perpetuate.

This isn’t news. You know the issue needs attention. It’s just not easy to deal with problems that have taken you to your learning edge. Ahhh . . . the learning edge. What is this?

The learning edge is the place where inner and outer challenges meet.

The work that needs to be done calls for both inner and outer changes. Neither can proceed without the other. Any attempt to simply “take action” without the requisite inner development will fall flat. But, only focusing on inner work without moving into action won’t help. Such inner work, divorced from action, is more fantasy than transformation.

So, you need to move forward on two fronts.

There is inner work to be done in terms of facing fears, challenging closely held beliefs, along with cultivating courage and compassion. And there is outer work to done in terms of taking action, engaging others, and practicing new behaviors – before they’re polished.

It’s tough stuff on both fronts. Neither can be ignored. So, where do you start?

Well, that depends on where you usually start?

Are you more prone to reflection or action?

Do you feel more at home wading into the murky waters of the unconscious or do you prefer taking decisive action in the bright light of day? Do you lean inwardly or outwardly – when it comes to resolving your life’s dilemmas?

Whichever way you tend to lean – start leaning into the other direction.

If you’re a gung-ho, action-packed, get-er-done type of person than it’s time to slow down and devote time to reflection and sorting through the piles of unfilled thoughts and feelings that have piled up in your interior workspace.

If you’re more prone to journal than joust, and prefer time for solitude, contemplation, and reflection, than it’s time to step into action.

Because every problem comes with outer and inner dimensions.

There are actions that need to be taken, things that need to be done – externally – for the problem to be addressed. And there are inner shifts in attitude, perception, belief that also need to occur.

Pay attention to what happens inside – within your consciousness.

What opens up? What changes in your thoughts, feelings, and internal dialogue? Also, pay attention to where you clench up inside. Where you feel inner tension, anxiety, sadness, or anger. Be aware of what arises subjectively.

Pay attention to what happens outside – in the situation.

How are others responding to the change in your behavior? What are they saying, doing? Pay attention to where things open up and move more smoothly – and also to any unanticipated reactions or objections. Be aware of what is arising objectively in your environment.

Through cultivating your inner awareness you will expand your worldview.

Opportunities for contribution that previously were invisible will become obvious. Challenges that previously seemed insurmountable will be seen as totally doable (even trivial, at times). Your reaction time (the time between event and emotional overwhelm) will expand. You’ll be able to discern the uprising of feelings in a way that converts emotional energy into actions that reflect your core values.

And through cultivating your ability to take action you will offer greater gifts to the world.

Because your actions are more congruently rooted in core values, you move into the world with more presence and grace. You attend to the expected and unexpected responses in ways that promote shared understanding (even in the midst of conflict) and aligned action.

When big problems dog your path,  you’ll stop zig-zagging to avoid them, recognizing  instead that these are sign posts pointing the way to your learning edge: where you discover ever more fully what it means for you to make your leadership contribution with courage and compassion.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

• What’s a situation/conversation that you’re zig-zagging around?
• Do you tend to be more inner or outer oriented?
• What would it look like for you to “lean” the other way?
• What inner qualities do you need to cultivate to move forward?
• If you were to be more congruent with your core values – what would you be doing differently? How can you start?