How to Stop Over Watering Your Communication

Our son, Aaron, lives in a studio in our backyard. There’s a lovely kangaroo paw plant by his front door. Or it was lovely. While we were away on vacation, Aaron noticed that the plant was looking poorly. So, he lovingly gave it more water. Day after day he dosed the failing plant with water in an attempt to revive it. But, the poor thing drowned. Death by over-watering.

His intention was admirable. His impact . . . deadly. He was so focused on his intentions that he overlooked the impact he was actually having.

The same thing can happen when you’re communicating with others – at work and in your personal life.

You can go into a conversation with the best of intentions.

But, unless you pay careful attention to the actual impact of your communication – you’ll miss the most important point. Because the reason you’re communicating in the first place is to have a specific impact – to get a specific response.

Your intentions matter. But, your impact rules.

You can be so close to your intentions that you allow them to color your perception of the actual impact you’re having.

Imagine sitting at a dinner party were one of the guests launches into a story – “This was soooo funny . . .” – about his recent golfing vacation. He’s laughing as he speaks, reliving his experience with gusto. But, everyone else is bored. His intention was to entertain. His impact – the opposite.

If you tell a joke and no one laughs – the joke wasn’t funny.

Effective communicators pay attention to both their intentions and their impact. And they make sure that the two are aligned.

You know your impact isn’t matching your intention when you’re:

Pitching an “exciting” new idea – and everyone at the meeting is checking their Blackberry, iPhone, watch, etc
Offering a colleague helpful advice – and she starts clenching her jaw and narrowing her eyes.
Providing constructive feedback to a team member – and he starts arguing with you.

When your impact isn’t matching your intention, it’s time to reflect.

Start by reflecting on your intention. Check your intention for clarity, congruence, and contribution.

Clarity

Why are you communicating to this person at this time? What is your motivation? To persuade, convince, support, educate, humor, placate, control, correct? There are so many possibilities. If you’re intentions aren’t clear to you – it will be difficult to discern whether you’re having the impact you intend. So, make your intention clear.

Congruence

Are you whole-heartedly aligned with your intention? Or are there voices of dissent, discord, and concern echoing inside of you?

For example, one part of you may want to offer support to a struggling colleague. Another part of you may be frustrated, even angry, with them. Unless these differing impulses within you can find common ground, your communication will reflect this internal incongruence. Your message will be confusing. And your impact compromised.

When there are competing or conflicting voices within you – then it will be difficult to speak in a congruent voice externally. If you discover inner incongruence – seek a deeper intention. One that allows the conflicting aspects within you to find a shared purpose, a common ground.

Contribution

Does your intention contribute to the well being of you, the other person, and the larger system? Or will your intention promote your own interests over those of the other (or vice versa?)

Be aware. In every relationship and organization there are power dynamics and power imbalances. Within the complex web of power issues and personalities, it can still be your intention to contribute positively.

Having made your intention as clear, congruent, and contributory as possible – you have established a foundation from which to communicate.

Now, it’s time to pay attention to your impact.

Notice whether your communication is creating the impact, response, result that you want. Are people engaged, attentive, and listening? Or shutting down? Are they focused or distracted?

If there’s a mis-match between your intention and your impact – it’s time to pause.

Not to change your intention. But, to change your approach, your tactics, your methods. Often the most powerful move to make, when you notice a disconnect between your intention and your impact, is to ask questions. Rather than doing more of what you’ve been doing – talking, explaining, coaching, persuading, influencing etc. Ask questions and start listening.

You’ve noticed the impact you’re having (and it’s not what you want). So, focus on learning more about what they’re thinking, feeling, and concerned about. Listen to their needs. Focus on what matters to them. This will help you create alignment between your intentions and theirs. Which will increase your ability to positively impact them.

Otherwise, you’ll over water the plant and kill the communication.