When I was learning to ride a bike, my father would run along side of me holding the back of the seat to stabilize my balance. At a certain point, he would let go – and I’d be riding on my on. For a few seconds. Then my balance would wobble and he’d take hold to stabilize me again.
All learning is like that.

When you’re developing a new skill, you wobble.
You’re clumsy as you integrate the new skill into your everyday behaviors. You get it partially right and partially wrong. Sometimes you over correct – like a kid learning to ride a bike. Sometimes you fall down and skin your knees.

That’s when a guiding, coaching hand so helpful.Some of us are fortunate and have a formal coach or mentor who’s there with a guiding hand to help stabilize us when we get too off balance. But, most of us don’t get that kind of formal coaching on a regular basis.

All of us, however, are recipients of informal coaching and guidance.  Informal coaching is provided by . . . all the people in your life.

Every person in your life is an informal coach.
The way people provide their informal coaching is by responding to you. People are always responding to what you do and how you act. Moment-by-moment. And, when you understand this, their natural responses give you specific and timely feedback about the impact of your behavior (on them.)
Here’s the formula: their response = your coaching.

But, sometimes the way people respond is challenging.
You make a point in a meeting, reach a decision, or offer your perspective and - people respond in ways that are challenging.

People push back, dig in their heels, argue with or avoid you. They resist you and what you’re trying to do. The situation gets contentious.

That’s when your old behaviors aren’t particularly useful.
Because, it’s your behaviors that have triggered their resistance, in the first place. You need to do something different.
And that means you’re going to wobble a bit.

Wobbling isn’t a problem.
It’s a sign that you’re trying something different. You’re old patterns are smooth and feel “natural.” New behaviors always wobble a bit and feel “un-natural.”

When you’re wobbling – you need a guiding, coaching hand.
And you’ve got one. In the very person (or people) who are challenging you. Their responses = your coaching.  Your own totally customized, focused, specific, and timely coaching feedback.

The key is to be coachable.
To be coachable means “hearing” and “feeling” their resistance as useful feedback about your behavior, your impact on them.

This can be tricky. Particularly, when the way they respond is unreasonable, illogical, and difficult; when their response seems to clearly be about them. And it is about them. But, first it’s about you.

Because, when you’re not getting the response you want – the next move is up to you.
They’re resisting and you don’t like it.  But, not liking it isn’t going to change their response. And neither is doing more of what you’ve already been doing. No matter how natural it feels.
To get a different response you need to adjust, adapt, and change your approach.

“But, it’s not my fault! They are being unreasonable!” you may be thinking.
And, I’m not arguing with that. I’m just suggesting that reaching this conclusion isn’t moving the situation forward.
The more you focus on their unreasonableness the less you’re able to transform their resistance. The more you focus on their unreasonableness the more out of balance and less effective you become.

When you’re out of balance – you need that guiding hand to keep things on track and moving forward.
You need a coach. But, here’s the thing – you’re getting coached, already. You’re getting the perfectly focused, specific, timely coaching you need – in the form of their response. Nothing could be more customized!!
You don’t need a coach. You’ve already got one (or many!!)

The key is to be coachable.
To receive their resistance as feedback about your impact. To accept their reactions as coaching. And to allow their responses guide you into new ways of acting and interacting.

How can you be more coachable?
Here are some ways:

1) Take a giant step backwards.
Step outside of the situation – mentally. And look at yourself and the other person from a distance. Like you’re watching a movie. Notice what behaviors you do that trigger their resistant response. See how your actions get those unwanted reactions.

2) Take a deep dive inwards.
Having observed yourself from a mental distance, move into your heart (not your head.) Connect with your values. Ask yourself what you really, really want to accomplish. And why it matters to you.

3) Get curious about them.
Now, focus on the other person. Not to convince or to change them. But, to simply understand what they really, really want to accomplish and what matters most to them.

4) Stay curious.
Spend more time listening than you would normally. Tune into their values and concerns. When you feel like you’ve listened enough . . . stay with it. You’ll know you’ve listened enough when you see them “shift” and the signs of resistance in their body language, tone of voice, and words soften.

5) Wonder out loud.
When you do talk, rather than make pronouncements or arguments, wonder out loud. Say things like:
“I’m wonder where our positions already overlap.”
“I’m wondering what aspects of what I’ve shared make sense to you.”
“I’m wondering where you see gaps in my logic.”

6) Talk about your values & struggle
Share what really, really matters most to you. Admit that you’re struggling with how to engage them and how to build shared agreement.

7) Inch forward.
Moving the situation forward will proceed more quickly if you take it an inch at a time. Don’t look for a major breakthrough. An inch will do.

Remember, you’re learning how to act differently – in order to get a new response. And you’ll tend to be clumsy, at first. So, small moves are better. They allow you to practice your new way of interacting, receive their coaching.

So, the next time you encounter resistance, think, “Ah, life is coaching me.”
Become coachable. The more you open yourself to the coaching that life provides - in the form of other peoples’ responses - the more quickly you’ll rebalance yourself and peddle smoothly to your goal.

Questions for Reflection & Action:

• Who has been resisting you, recently?
• Where are you experiencing difficult, unreasonable, or illogical responses?
• What are these people/situations coaching you to do?